The Struggle

I'm going to be honest up front.  This post is not one I want to write.  It's one I'm not excited to share.  It's one of those inner struggle things that could easily be taken as a poor me post.  But I promise you, it's not.  There are times where our weaknesses and struggles and hardships need to be shared.  Not as a look at how bad I feel, but instead to say: Hey you who are reading this and relating.  Yes YOU.  I get you.  I see you.  You are not alone in feeling this way.....

In case you have been living under a rock: We have been moving around quite a bit the past few years.  We left our quiet awesome little life in Litchfield quite some time ago and the past several months...I have found myself missing it something fierce.  We had an amazing church filled with loving people we knew who would be there for us whenever we needed.  We had amazing friendships.....not the surface friendships...the real truth telling, be there for you in a second friendships. The friendships that weren't one sided with only one putting in the effort and work.  I loved our life there and I thought I had let it all go some time ago.  Turns out....I haven't.

The past several months...maybe even the past year....my own heart has taken a turn I did not see coming.  You see, I have never felt more alone than I do right now.  I tried for so long to brush it off.  To push that lie out of my brain, and yet when we moved to Viborg, that lie started screaming in my ear.

If you have ever moved to a brand new town, you know, making friendships is hard.  Add the craziness of motherhood in there, especially staying at home mothering, and it adds a new element that is even harder.  They say motherhood is one of the loneliest jobs, and you know what?  They aren't lying.  As mothers with littles, we get so consumed by them that we neglect our friendships and connections. And then they get bigger and activities start...and then we get consumed by that schedule. As women, as humans, we need connection.  It's what God designed us for.   So why do we as mothers use our kids to make the excuse to ignore the need for connection.  It's why the saying is true that motherhood is the loneliest job out there.  And you know what? It's our fault it is that way.....

When we moved to Canton, I didn't make a whole lot of effort, to be honest , to make friends.  I knew our time there was short lived.....and so I didn't even try.  I missed the good, real, close by friendships...and it made my heart long for those relationships.  But I just told myself, "Soon we will move to another new town.  A town where we will live a long long time.  So I'm good with this.  I can deal.  I can get by."  But ya know what? Looking back now, that was mistake.  Because by pushing aside those feelings, I only made it worse on my heart.  Because when we finally did move, my heart was longing so much so that it felt as if it would break any second.  And the reason? I kept it all inside.  I have kept these emotions inside.  Barely sharing them with anyone. Acting like I was fine and didn't need anyone to come along side me and say, "I'm here.  It's going to be okay. We will get through this".

You see just over 7 months ago or so, our family went through something so incredibly difficult that I can't even put into words what it felt like.  And ya know what? We are still walking through that storm...it's a storm we don't see the end too.  It's a storm that feels different for my sister....a storm that feels different to my parents...and a storm that feels different to me.  We all have our own struggles and big emotions that come with it.  But I can tell you, it's affecting every single one of us, even if it is all in a different way.  And because my heart has been pushing aside this feeling alone struggle....it has all now come to a head.

When we go through deep waters, we need those relationships that will speak life into our aching souls.  Those connections that will see past the surface into our hearts and be there for us.  And when our hearts feel alone, and then the storm comes? Oh friend, it hurts worse than it should.  Yes, making real friendships is hard in general. Add mothering into it and a whole new level is reached.  Add a move (or several) to it and...you get the picture....

You see in this society....real friendships are hard to come by.  Real friendships that will drop everything for you and be there for you friendships.  Friendships that cut past the surface answers and see instead your aching heart friendships.  We live in a society that lives our life on social media and we forget so easily that beyond the cute fancy pictures of kids and vacations and fun quotes...there are real faces that are hiding their breaking hearts. Social media can be great...but it has made us one of the loneliest generations... We also live in a society where we get so consumed by our own little lives that we say we are just too busy to reach out to those around us.  We are too busy with the kids...we are too busy with our jobs...we are too busy with our own struggles....we are too busy with ministries...we are just too. busy.  And while we are so busy with everything else, there are hearts needing some encouragement.  There are hearts who are needing to be noticed and seen.  I know I've failed at this.  I know that there have been times I've failed at being the best of friend to people right when they needed it.  But I feel like that lie that we are too busy to be there for people is massively hurting ourselves.....

I recently read a book that has challenged me to be the kind of friend that I want to have.  To step outside of my own box and create relationships I am longing for.  And the past month, I have taken risks and put myself out there more than I ever have to make those friendships here. We have only been here 2 months so I know there is still lots of work left to be done.  (Because that's what friendship is. Lots and lots of hard work, inconveniencing yourself in order to make connections that will make sure no one feels alone in this life)  And yet, life has happened in our family once again.....real, raw, hard life that hurts in so many different ways. And there is Satan, just sitting there, screaming in my face how alone I am.  How I have no real friendships.  How we will never make those life giving connections here.  And as much as it hurts, I'm trying my darnest to dig my heels into the ground and say "NO! Back of devil...you don't belong here to feed me those lies"

Friend, if you are reading this and feeling alone...I want you to know that you aren't.  I want you to know that there are women out there who feel just as alone.  Women that feel like good friendships don't happen anymore.  Women that wonder when they will ever have those close connections again.  There are other women out there who are walking through storms and feeling like no one cares.  There are women out there waiting to be invited first.  There are women out there who don't want to keep being the first to send that text to that person.  You are not alone in feeling this way.  You are not alone in wondering what to do next.  You are not alone in feeling alone.  You are NOT. ALONE.  I can't promise you it will get easier, I'm still walking through my own season of feeling alone.  But I can promise you that you are never truly alone.  There is always someone out there in this great big world struggling with those same feelings.  There is always a woman out there craving connection just as much as you.  And besides all that, there is a God who will never unfriend you.  One that will continue to walk beside you and try His hardest to get you to hear His truth over the noise.  One that when we call out to Him to silence those lies, will give you the strength to look that devil in the face and say: "NOT TODAY" 

Keep trying.  Keep putting yourself out there.  Keep showing up for the people you do have in your life.  Keep reaching out even when it feels too hard.  I'm not going to let those lies win....I'm not going to let all my insecurities get the best of me.  There are gonna be days when it is ridiculously hard....but I know God made me to connect with people in a real, raw, tangible way.  I know that He made us for connection.  So I'm not going to buy into the lie that I'm ever too busy or have too many of my own struggles.  And I'm not going to buy the lie that I'm alone.  I might feel alone and that feeling might not go away for awhile....but I'm going to keep fighting even if it breaks me....

Only you God...Only YOU

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance.  But endurance must do its complete work , so that you may be mature and complete lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4

This verse was one of my lifelines for the past few years.  If you have known us at all, these past few years we have been on a road that the Lord asked us to take.  It was a road that had hardships and lessons we didn't expect, yet we had confidence that the Lord would provide and bring us to our promised land.  

March 13th, 2017 that promise was fully filled and we are still in awe of how it all happened.  How it all went down so beautifully that we were left with our hands raised saying "Only You God.  Only YOU."  

We know so many have prayed with us through the selling of our old house in MN and then praying we would find the "Perfect Petty" house.  And for that we are so thankful.  Because of that we not only want to share with you our joy of how much we love this house (pictures included ;) ) but we also wanted to share with you our only God story.  I had heard of stories where everything just magically fell into place so beautifully.  But I honestly don't know if it has ever happened to me til that wonderful week in January.  

First off let me say we had a KICK BUTT realtor.  If you are ever in need of one in SD, Cindy Wills is it.  Hands down.  Not only is she ridiculously smart and will think of everything you don't, but her biggest interest was finding us the house we wanted.  There was absolutely no pushing us to make decisions.  Not only that, but she could tell by our faces if it was it or not.  Seriously love her! On the night of January 22nd, I received a text from her giving me an address to look up and share my thoughts.  Well, it didn't take us long to decide, umm YEP.  The only problem? It was listed "For Sale by Owner".  And if you have ever bought a house you know that chances are if they are listed by the owner, they don't really want to deal with a realtor, unless of course you plan on paying their commission as the buyer.  But Cindy said she would give them a call and see if they were up to it.  The next morning she informed us that with the right offer, they would be willing to work with us!!  Ok...first hurdle down God.  The problem? There was another couple looking at it that night at 6:30 so if we wanted to go look we would have to hustle on down there in the afternoon.  Now I should say that if you have ever wanted to move to a small town....you will know that the good house go fast.  Like in less than 24 hours fast.  There is no taking a few days to think about anything if you want it.  So down to Viborg we headed, with my parents even, which up until this point... it had never worked out for them to come.  

We pulled up to the house and adorable was an understatement.  The neighborhood cute and quiet.  Down at the end of the street there was a farm full of cows...Cows my friends....we ain't in the city life anymore! ha

(I had always loved ranch style houses)

Cindy mentioned to me that the buyer would be there so I had to keep a poker face on.  Friends, if you know me at all, this isn't something I'm good at!  Especially when looking at houses!!  I get emotionally invested right away and it is written all over my face.  But we made it through and it was immediately obvious to Cindy, my parents, and each other that we were in love.  Not in like...not maybe we could see ourselves here...but like THIS IS OUR HOUSE.  THIS IS OUR HOME.  

That night we didn't even sleep on it.  We talked to Cindy and got an offer in right away and prayed the other couple wouldn't love it as much as us.  We had always said we refused to compete for any house no matter how much we loved it.  We refused to overpay for anything just because someone else wanted it too.  

(The garage is down deep and has a door on the back.  Trav was then ok with a single ;) )

Now the next day as we waited and worked to make a deal, there was a massive snow storm.  Why is this significant? Because there was so much snow that even if others were interested in the house, there was no way they would be heading to take a look.  Viborg was BURIED in snow.  At first there were some miscommunication and our hearts sank thinking this was it.  That we weren't meant for it.  Yet, we were given more hope after Trav talked to someone that knew the owner and we were told this:  The wife very much wanted a family to live in that house.  She wanted someone to love it and enjoy it just as much as they did.  Not only did the other couple not have kids, but they expressed to this other person how much they wanted our family to have it.  I about cried when I heard that.  It was like we were hand picked for this very house. In less than 48 hours after seeing the house, a deal was signed.  While we were paying more than we were completely comfortable with, we knew God would provide.  He had given us so many signs and so much peace about this house, we knew we didn't even need to question it.  

In the weeks following, God would continue to answer prayer after prayer.  The inspector told us what an amazing house we were getting for our money.  The mortgage broker called and given us the news that our payments would be far less than we originally thought.  Every little detail fell into place.  I have never stood more in awe of who Jesus is than in those weeks and months....not only had He put everything into perfect place, He gave us all the little desires and wants we wanted in a house.  

 The girls have been begging for a swing set forever.  They got more than we could have ever imagined buying them.  And that view! Love having a beautiful church behind us!

Trav was bound and determined to get this couch with the house..men ;).  I have said from the beginning that my living room needed a big beautiful window...and there it is.  In all it's glory.

Gorgeous patio door for easy access to our little slice of heaven outdoor space :)

Found the "gather" sign on www.jane.com Painted it Coral to add some color to the space. I'm going to add some arrows, ect to it, but for now it's still one of my fav walls. 

Now God didn't give me my 'huge' kitchen...or a dishwasher for that matter...BUT there actually is more storage than appeared at first. Someday we will update...but for now, it is perfect just the way it is <3

HUGE master.  Once we buy sweet Lyla a twin bed, the girls will probably have to share this room, but for now we are quite enjoying it. 

Maci is insisted we paint "someday" but for now she is enjoying the button walls that were already up ha!

The shelf on the toilet is eventually gonna get hung, when I nag the husband enough :) This is our main floor bath and I am so in love.  It has a deeeeep tub for even mama to enjoy some relaxation : )

Out of all the house we have seen, I have to say this house wins for the least scariest staircase.  We've had our share of falls and boo boos at house showings....Yikes!

This girl had AMAZING color taste.  I have not had to paint one single room!

Umm...this was never a need...or even a want. But the hubby was in love when he saw it, and I have to admit now that we are here...I certainly don't hate it ;) 

There is a 3rd bedroom down here that has most of their toys in it, but this mess? I have no idea how to organize it all.  So if you have any ideas, please share :) Trav told me to just to throw it all out...yea I don't think that's an option haha.

Downstairs bathroom aka Trav's bathroom ha! He does not like the current shower curtain and insists that someday soon he will be buying a "manly" one.

We also have a finished laundry room downstairs, but no one needs to see that mess ;) , and a huge very nicely done storage room.  The storage room however is still filled with boxes we haven't yet gone thru so you don't need to see that either world wide web ;).  But if you come visit, I'll be sure to let you into that mess ;) 

And that my dear friends is our prayer answered.  Chapter finished.  Onto whatever God calls us to next.  I wake up every day thanking Jesus for this blessing.  If we would have been given it right away, I wouldn't be as in awe of it all as I am.  So even though the journey wasn't what I expected it to be and even though it was super hard/painful at times, I am thankful for every single second.  That dream God has placed in your heart?  See it through dear ones.  No matter the cost, no matter how much you just want to throw in the towel at times....let God complete it.  Because He will. And then one day you will be standing at the end of that road, lookin back saying...

Only you God....Only YOU

 "I always pray joy as I pray for you for all of you. It is because you have told others the Good News from the first day you heard it until now.  I am sure that God who began the good work in you will keep on working in you until the day Jesus Christ comes again."  Philippians 1:4-6

The one line I read post election that I can't get out of my head....

Wednesday morning we all woke up to a new President Elect.  I knew either way the election went, there would be mixed emotions on all sides.  No matter what, there would be fear and anger filling up my newsfeed. It was just a matter of which side it was coming from.  By now we all know the outcome and we all know the chaos that is happening everywhere.  Some are holding up their victory sounds loud and clear, while others are crying in the streets.  No matter who you are, no matter what side you are on, I think we can all agree how crazy the whole thing has been.

Yesterday as I was scrolling through the mix of emotions I was seeing, I came across one comment from someone I do not know at all.  And yet, I can't get her off my mind.  Her comment made me hold my breath.  Made my heart stop....and my eyes well up with tears.  It was simple and short, yet had a deeply profound impact on my heart.  She is clearly not a Trump supporter and was expressing her anger.  All she said was this:

Even typing out those words now creates a huge lump in my throat.  You see because Mr. Trump was the Republican nominee and because most Christians are conservatives there is now this perception that he is somehow the Christians spokesperson.  That he represents who all Christians are.  The way he acts, the way he talks.  While we as the body of Christ know that not one of us is the perfect example of Christianity, the rest of the word that does not know Him personally as their Savior...don't fully get that.  We as Christians know that the only perfect example of Christianity was Jesus Christ himself.  But yet we all know that those in the public eye are seen far more than the rest of us and held to a higher standard criticized more.  We are all sinners saved by grace and I'm not here to judge where Mr. Trump is in his faith because I don't know him personally.  However this comment has rocked me to my very core. 

You see the world already hated Christians.  They already thought we were hypocritical.  And we just gave them all the more reason to do so.  We did this to ourselves....now hear me out please.  I beg you...this is a life or death matter for so many lost souls in this country. And I'm not saying anyone is a bad person for voting for Trump (or even not voting for him)..BUT:  The world watched as we, Christians, praised him.  Campaigned for him.  Shared our stance on him all over social media. Liked and shared things mean-spirited about people who don't share our views.  Let our anger take over and be known. Engaged in heated debates that had hurtful things said. The world watched as we made excuses for his actions and his word choices.  Watched as we were asked how we could support someone who used such hateful words, and yet we used the line of we are all sinners...we have all said bad things.  Friends today, more than ever, the lost souls...the souls who do not know Jesus personally have been pushed further from our grasp.  We have pushed our stance on issues so much that we have pushed away the people we are called to reach.  The people we are called to love in such a profound way that they want to know our Savior.  That they want to know why we are different.  That they want to have the light that is inside of us, inside of them.  We have grasped with everything we have our stances on political issues, that we have pushed away so many that need Jesus.  

Now here me as I say this....we are called to obey Jesus' laws.  We are called to live by His truths but friends....we are also called to love in such a profound way that we are different than the world in that way as well.  We should be voting on our principles and morals.  We should be keeping Jesus' truth at the forefront of our minds when we do our duty to vote, but the bottom line is...no...no government policy is going to save us.  No government policy is going to change this world as much as JESUS is. That's the message non-Christians should be hearing in election season from our lips.  And in order for Jesus to change the world, we have to start by winning hearts for Him.   

Mr. Trump will take office in January 2017.  People on all sides of the spectrum are going to have to come to terms with that and we will have to respect him as our president.  But Church, it is now our turn to RISE UP and be the hands and feet of Jesus. Don't just say where we stand on things, but actually do things to help those causes.  Win hearts for Him.  Show the world who He truly is.  Show the world how much love, kindness, grace, mercy, and forgiveness are found in Him and Him alone.  We have our work cut out for us....this world is hurting more now that it probably ever has in my generation.  But if we make Jesus the center of everything we do and say, maybe we can win more hearts for Him than ever before.  Doesn't mean we won't mess up.  Doesn't mean we will be perfect.  But it does mean that people like that commenter can maybe get a glimpse of who Jesus really is.  That we can be a witness for Christ and help change some hearts.  Because when hearts are won for Jesus...that's when change and unity truly begins.....

Short. Simple. Honest.

"Oh my God..... It's happening again!!!!" - I heard the scream of my mother.  I still hear it from time to time when my mind wanders....I still see her face....I still feel my legs give out as I drop to my knees with my hands raised just a little... "Oh Jesus! Sweet Jesus...please...Jesus...PLEASE" is the only thing my lips can get out......There are people rushing up and down the hall as we all hold our breath.....waiting to see if those few words are being answered by the Most High....

What was happening that day is a story for another time, but I will say He did answer those few words that my tongue could get out.  Prayer is such an interesting thing....we all pray so different and it means something different to each one of us.  Some of us recite prayers we learned from a young age, some of us only pray before our meals or when something bad seems to be happening.  Some of us pray beautiful skillfully done prayers while some of us are more of the short and sweet type.  Some of us have designated times we pray and some of us pray whenever we are led.  Whatever way you seem to pray can I just try and encourage you for a moment?

I have had conversations with some wonderful women in the past few months.  Women that I know love the Lord with all their heart.  And when the conversations switch to prayer, they have confided in me that prayer can sometimes feel so stiff.  And at times they feel like they don't know what to say or how to say it.  For me prayer has seem to come easy.  Now I'm not one to like to pray in front of others, however I have always spoken to the Lord like He is my friend.  Like He is sitting right next to me....no fanciness or added words I don't usually use.  Some of my prayers are longer and some short.  The truth of the matter is, Jesus already knows what's hidden in our hearts.  He already knows what we need therefore He already knows what we are going to say.  So why does prayer still feel so formal most of the time to us? Why do we seem to put so much pressure on what we say and how we say it?  I don't know the answer to that question for you but I do know Jesus just wants us to take the time to talk to Him. No matter what words we choose.

Prayer is powerful.  Bold beautiful things happen when we pray.  Miracles take place.  We don't always get the answers we want, but no matter what if we make it a point to pray we do know that it brings us closer to the Almighty.  It's a gift I think we have taken for granted in today's world.  We say to anyone going through a hard time, "I will be praying for you.." But then we seem to not take the time to pray or we just simply don't know what to pray.  Can I just tell you that your prayers don't have to be fancy? They don't have to be long or full of exquisite words.  If all you can get out at the moment is "Jesus....Jesus...Jesus" in between your tears....He will come running.  He will still hear you.  He will still know what your heart needs.  If you see a struggling mama in the grocery store and feel the nudge to pray for her, even a short: "Jesus give her what she needs today" is sufficient at times.  We don't always have to carve out these long amounts of time for prayer.  We don't have to use fancy words or try to sound so skillful.  What would happen if we as Christians started praying more?  What if we took the pressure off of trying to make  prayers sound so 'amazingly awesome' and 'skillful' and instead took the time to say short simple honest prayers through the day?

"Lord give me strength."  

"Make me more like You."  

"Be with that mama Lord"  

"May that man know You."  

"Be with our country..."  

Or even simply...."Jesus..Jesus...Jesus"

If we turn our hearts and minds to pray simple prayers throughout the day would we be praying more? Would our hearts be more in line with Jesus?  Would we be more likely to hear His voice? If we stopped making prayer sound like such a 'religious' ritual and instead made it more intertwined with our everyday life would our lives look different? Would they feel different?  I can't speak for you, but I can say when I make it a point to pray short simple prayers throughout my day...my heart feels better.  I feel closer to Jesus, like He is walking with me through my day.  My emotions seem to be more in check instead of out of control and dependent on my circumstances.  His presence fills up the space I'm in.  I'm more aware of all He is and wants for me.  

So friend, maybe you are like some of my sweet friends out there thinking they don't know how to pray.  Maybe you feel like your praying is stiff and therefore you just avoid it all together.  It doesn't have to be that way.  Jesus is our Lord and Savior but He is also our friend.  He doesn't need big words.  He doesn't need a lengthy 20 minute prayer.  All He wants is you.  He wants to hear your heart.  He wants to have you talk with Him and know without a doubt that He is near and He hears your cries...We do need to carve out time to spend with Him each day, but maybe...just maybe if we make it a point to pray short simple prayers throughout the day, our hearts won't feel so stiff when we talk to Him anymore.  Our hearts might be more open to the Holy Spirit when we are called to pray.  And we will start to feel even closer to Him than ever before....

That day as I was on the floor crying out His name over and over and over again....He heard me.  I didn't need to sound fancy or long.  He was right there with us in that room.  He didn't need me stating what my heart longed for....all He needed was me searching for His heart and His hand.....

"When you pray don't babble on and on as people of other religions do.  They will think their prayers are answered merely by repeating their words again and again..."

-Matthew 6:7

"And pray in the Sprit on all occassions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people."

-Ephesians  6:18

Real. Raw. Vulnerable.

Fall. Cozy sweaters. Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Fires. Leggings with boots. Colorful leaves emerging on the trees. There is so much to love about Fall and yet, in our family it seems, it’s a season to be dreaded. Bad things happen in the fall for us. Changes that aren’t as colorful and bright as the leaves happen. It’s safe to say that for quite a few Septembers now, our family as a whole, would rather pull the covers over our heads and sleep right on through til winter. And this season, is no different.

Between strained relationships and yet another new medical diagnosis for my sweet sister, it’s been an emotional one. It’s safe to say I’m 90% of the time the strong one. Trying to hold everyone up while they fall apart. Keeping my vulnerability tucked away so that very few people get to see it. And yet this season seems to be a little different. Just a few weeks ago my husband and I had a very raw, real conversation on where my heart was. I remember his face as he sat there and listened to me pour out my heart to him about how I can’t keep being the strong one. How I am down to nothing left to give and I don’t know how to get back up. I don’t know how to silence the lies of the enemy that seem to be screaming in my face. I cried as he held me close. Our marriage has always been me keeping it all positive and together, but we had finally hit the point where I was just down to the weakest part of my heart.

As seasoned Christians I think it’s so easy for us to get sucked into the perception that because we love and trust God that means that we somehow have to always have it together. That because God asks us to have joy in all situations, that we must somehow always be put together and okay no matter what comes our way. We throw out the usual bible verses about how God works all things together for the good and how if God is for us who can be against us so what do we have to fear? We seem to think that not being okay is just not an option for us. And yet friends, this season of change, God has been speaking it into my heart loud and clear that this is just not true. That just because we are children of God does not mean that we can never be vulnerable. In fact it means just the opposite.

Because we are daughters of the one true King, we have an obligation to be just as vulnerable, open, raw, and honest about all the hard things we are facing. We need to let the world see that being a Christian doesn’t mean always having it all together. That it’s okay to not be okay. But in the raw and real vulnerability that we can still love and trust God with everything we have. We need to show the world that even though our hearts are breaking and we don’t see God’s plan in all this, that that doesn’t mean we are turning away from Him. It doesn’t mean we don’t love Him. It doesn’t mean we don’t trust Him. It just means we are human and have the same struggles and heartbreaks that everyone else has.

When we read through the book of Psalms we see this theme over and over again. We see the raw emotions and struggles of a man who loves God. We see the anger and questions of where is God in all this, and yet it doesn’t take very many verses later when we see how much He still loves God and worships Him. As long as we don’t let the pain and struggle of something consume us, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to struggle with questions of where God is. It’s okay to be angry about the situation and voice that to Him in prayer. As long as we know deep in the depths of our souls how much He loves us and how He is never going to leave us, it’s okay to be real, raw, and vulnerable. It’s okay to not have strength to keep it all together all of the time. There is so much hope and freedom in realizing this. When we let go of the conception that we have to keep our vulnerability tucked away, we are free to really feel and share our stories with others. And those are the stories that bring life and hope to others who are struggling with the same situations. We show others that our hearts will be broken, but that that is where God meets us. And friends, we know that wherever God meets us, is where the really good stuff begins....

As High As the Sky Mommy!

"HIGHER MOMMY HIGHER!! As high as the SKY!!!"  I hear the sweetest little voice yell out in front of me.  It's become a tradition to hear those words as she's sitting on the swings, but this morning my heart heard them differently.  They seemed to have more weight to them in.....more stillness in them....I wanted to savor that moment more than I had ever before.  She's only 4.5 and yet time seems to be moving far too fast for my mama's heart.  In Proverbs 27:1 it states: "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring" so as we know that no day to us is promised.  We know that we are often told to savor each day as much as we can because time passes too quickly and we don't ever know the time nor the hour when Christ will call us home. And yet the busyness of life happens, and before we know it....we haven't been savoring as much as we should.  And there are moments where we seem to be told that more than ever due to a tragedy having happened.  Whether it's an accident, a disaster, or worse yet....a beautiful young soul being taken far too soon.....

This weekend, if you happen to live in SD or MN, we all heard about that last one happening in one of the most tragic awful nightmare ways possible.  And sadly we hear of things like this happening to kids far too often.  We stop for a few moments and say a short prayer for the family.  We think of how awful it must be for them.  We say that we need to hold our kids more tightly that night....give them an extra kiss.  And then life happens and we forget those feelings we just felt.  One of them just dumped the jug of juice all over the floor while another is having a fit over her shoe not being on her foot.  Or you have asked 5 times for something to be done and all you are getting back is attitude.  Life happens and suddenly we are right back to where we started....our tempers are short again.  We do and say things we regret.  We go to bed again with guilt over how the day ended.  Wondering if they know how much we love them.  How we are their biggest cheerleaders.  How we would do anything for them.  And as we lay there in the stillness of the night, that family comes to our mind again....and we wonder how we could have forgotten that someone somewhere is without there child.  How we should be savoring these moments with ours......

That's usually how my days in the past have gone when I hear on the news of yet another horrible nightmare of a thing happening to a kid somewhere.  But this time...this weekend...it was different somehow.  I don't know the family....I have never met them.  And yet, I can't get that little girls face out of my mind.  My heart hurts often for that mother who just wants one more moment to let her daughter know how loved she is.  My heart hurts for her as I think of how she must be questioning every action and choice she had ever made with her....how she could have stopped it or changed it.  I know that's where my head would be.  After all, we as mothers tend to do it to ourselves on a daily basis even without anything like that happening.  My eyes have felt the sting of tears as I have lifted this family up in prayer.  And as I was crying yesterday after Trav and I had just finished watching a news story on it, I wondered why this case was different for me.  Why I was feeling more than I had ever before with this case.  Besides the little girl not being much older than Maci, I realized it's because this case was a case that could have literally happened to anyone.  Everyone always says you can never see it happening to yourself until it does and yet.....this time I think most parents can see it happening to them....for various reasons...

This morning as I watched my firstborn giggle and squeal with delight on that swing, my heart once again turned to that family.  They won't ever get another moment like this with their daughter.  They won't ever get to see her flash that award winner of a smile.  They won't get to hear the giggles and the pleads for: "Higher Mommy! Higher! As high as the sky!!"  And my heart whispered to my head:

"Savor it Mama.  Savor it with all you've got."  

I don't want my heart to ever forget this morning.  I want my heart to feel the weight of each and every moment.  I want that weight to dictate the words that come out of my mouth.  How I handle each and every situation with our girls.  And when I mess up, because I know I will, I want that weight to lay even heavier on my heart, so that I can make sure I go to my girls and drill it into their hearts how much mama loves them.  I don't want this tragedy to be just another tragedy where I just say: "Hold your kids tighter tonight.  Give them an extra hug and kiss.....savor every moment because tomorrow isn't promised." I want to live it.  I want to breath it.  I want to feel the weight of it.  

So mamas (and daddies) out there, feel this one differently.  Allow the hurt and sadness of it to seep into your souls...into your hearts.  And when it does, let it change you.  Let it allow yourself to slow down and savor each and every moment with your children.  Don't just say the tired old sayings, feel them, breath them, live them.  I'm sure that family would say the same thing.  They don't get the privilege of more time with their sweet one.  And as you take the time to stop and watch your children today, to savor a single moment in time.....think of the Ertl Family.  Pray for them today and everyday.  Because the truth is, unless you've been through it, we can't even imagine the pain they are feeling right now....

So go and savor it Mama.  Savor it with all you've got.

**And if for some reason, this blog gets seen by a member of the family....I want this song to seep into your soul.  You aren't alone.  You aren't walking this road alone....

What seems like the forgotten bible verse....

As Christians we all know the story...a woman who was caught cheating on her husband was brought before Jesus. The law said she should be stoned for what she had done and yet Jesus called out to them what seems to be the catch phrase many like to throw out there from the bible:

"All right but let the one who has never sinned cast the first stone!"

And the crowd dissipated. No one was left to cast that first stone because the hard core truth is that we are all sinners in need of grace.  We are all in need of that one person to choose to not condemn us and instead show us the kind of grace and mercy we are all so desperately searching for.  And I know that Jesus is that one we are all looking for.  Because He is that one that did not condemn this woman.  He did not stone her as the law said.  Instead He said these words to her just a few short verses later.  And these words are where my heart is tonight in the dark quiet of the night...  

"Go and sin no more...."

Go....and sin no more.....GO and SIN NO MORE.  These words have been playing in my mind for what seems like hours now.  They are words that are so full of grace and mercy and yet...at the same time...cut like a knife.  

We are all born sinners.  Not a single one of us deserves the gift Jesus gave to us by dying on that cross so long ago.  Not one of us deserves to be saved and loved the way He loves.  Not one of us deserves the compassion He freely gives us.  NOT ONE.  We all have stories...histories of who we were before Jesus came into our hearts and so radically changed us.  And with those stories and histories comes with a baggage of sin that Jesus so freely takes from us.  And yet....we also all have those sins that we hang onto ever so tightly.  When we first met Jesus we asked for forgiveness.  We laid down those burdens and vowed to do better.  To be better.  But those sins that we hang onto so tightly, each a different struggle than another, those sins keep on creeping in....

We justify those sins.  We make excuses.  We say we will do better next time.  We say we will give it up next month...or next year.  We make promises and vows to never do them again.  When others point out the facts that sin IS sin, we throw out the bible verses about not judging each other.  That everyone is a sinner....and even....John 8:7: let the one who has never sinned cast the first stone...We hold onto these sins so tightly.  And in the dark world we live in, it is so easy to keep holding onto that sin.....Our world is upside down...what is right is now wrong and what was wrong is now right.  What my absolute truth is, is now not the same absolute truth has yours.  We struggle and we make excuses and we justify.....and friends...we forget those very powerful, very real words Jesus said in the next verse....

"GO AND SIN NO MORE.."

He doesn't say justify it...He doesn't say try harder next time....He doesn't say keep asking for forgiveness.....He doesn't say that everyone is a sinner anyway so it's okay....He says:  GO! and sin NO MORE.

We all know what is absolute truth in our heart of hearts.  We all get that feeling that something feels wrong.  We all get that feeling of craving a savior.  And friends....I know who that Savior is that your heart so desperately needs.  That my heart so desperately needs.  When He died on that cross He took all your sins and all your burdens, and paid the price for them.  He laid down His life so that when your take your last breathe on this earth, He won't see all your wrongs.  He won't stone you.  He won't condemn you to hell.  Instead He will see the blood of Jesus all over your beautiful face.  He will cover you in the grace and mercy that you don't deserve but because He loves you so much He paid it all to cover your guilt and shame.  He wrapped you up in His loving arms and forgave you for it all.  

But sweet one, don't you dare forget that next verse. And I feel like I need to make a huge banner of it in my own house, to remind me that there is no such thing as a little sin.  Jesus paid the ultimate price for you because He loves you that much and sees how worthy you truly are.  So you live this life as boldly and confidently as you can for Him. You shine your light brighter than it's ever been for Him.  But you lay down those sins....you lay down those heavy burdens you struggle with, sometimes daily....and then you go and sin no more.  Don't justify them.  Don't let the world tell you that they are okay.  Because Jesus paid it all.  And because He paid it all He is worth all the sacrifices of this life that we make for Him.  He is worth standing tall for Him.  He is worth denying ourselves of those sins we struggle with.  Those sins that feel good.  Those sins that are fun.  Those sins that the world justifies.......

Doesn't mean we suddenly become perfect...doesn't mean we won't mess up...doesn't mean we will never sin again.  But friend, it also doesn't give us the right to knowingly keep doing something that we know is wrong just because we can justify it.  Because when we are justifying it, we are conforming to the world's standards and Jesus deserves far more than that.  He deserves my life.  I owe Him that because without Him....I would be nothing.  I would be beyond help.  Nothing can save me but His love, mercy, and sweet amazing grace.  

Cling to His absolute truth.  Cling to His standard of living.  Cling to what you know in your heart is wrong.  Because no matter what the world tries to say....sin is sin.  And we are all sinners.  And thank the sweet Lord that He gives us the gift we don't deserve.  But because of that gift, we owe it to Him to keep this command the best that we can....

"GO AND SIN NO MORE...."

No justifying....no twisting words.....no ignoring His voice...just simply go and sin no more friends.  You can do this.  You can kick that sin you struggle with on a daily basis to the curb.  Do it.  I believe in you and so does Jesus.  After all, He believed in you so much, that He gave His life......