But I don't want to leave it behind....

Haven't wrote in such a long time.  A lot has happened in the past 6 months.  We moved to be together as one family under one roof....had a beautiful baby....and had to get used to taking care of 2 kids instead of 1.  I've honestly just been trying to relish in the newness of everything.  The newness of the house we will in, the newness of the little town we moved too.....the newness of sweet Lyla and having 2 little girls to love and raise.... And honestly....I've been trying so hard to just love it.  No matter what.  It wasn't how we wanted to get here and it's not how we wanted to be living but it says in James 1:2-4 to take joy in our trials and sufferings.  So I've been trying my darnedest to do just that.

And yet here I am on a beautiful spring morning not feeling so joyful.  I've hit that wall.  That wall of saying, "God I don't get this. Why oh why are doing it this way? Why have we had to sit here and wait and wait AND WAIT to get to our finish line with this season? Why are we living somewhere that is way too expensive? (and a place that has way too many spiders going on...but that's a whole other discussion) Why is our house still sitting here on the market and not sold? Did we do something wrong? Have we not been faithful to you and done everything you have asked? Or did we mess up somewhere and take a wrong turn?"

I hate that those thoughts have all creeped their way back into my heart but they have.  And that's the real honest truth.  The past few weeks we've had a few more ups and downs and hopes torn down.  One of those things was something we thought God was illustrating for us to bring us to our final destination. I made this timeline in my head.  This timeline that would WOW me.  I kept thinking "Wow God is this it? Is this where you are taking us? I can't believe it!" And I started being so thankful for this plan I made in my head and none of it had even happened.  But did you hear me? Did you catch that? I made this timeline....I MADE THIS TIMELINE.  God never said it would come to be.....He never gave me this sign in my head.  I just decided that's how He was going to do it.  I decided that if I was going to have it happen that was how I would want it done.  It had nothing to do with God's plan and what He actually was going to do.

I'm doing a bible study on the book "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" through Proverbs 31.  It couldn't have come at a more perfect time.  This week's chapters have been all about how we need to go through a leaving stage.  That when we chose to walk in faith with God through our dreams, He first asks us to leave things behind.  And this morning...at the end of my chapter... Lysa asks "What is God asking you to leave behind?" After a morning with some tears shed that answer was pretty clear.  After a morning where uncertainty and doubt came knocking on my door..... a morning where I wanted to sit and question EVERYTHING God promised us... the answer stared me right in the face.  I want things done MY way....in MY timing.  Yes I have been walking in faith with God the past year and half.  Yes I have known the entire time it would all be in His timing, and yet I don't think I really got it.  I don't think I ever laid it all down at His feet and said "God take this need for me to control this situation you are wanting to solve for us.  That you are wanting to give to us.  Take this want of me wanting it in MY timing and MY way. "  So I say that to Him right here right now.

God this journey isn't about me.  It's about YOU.  It's about all you have promised us.  It's about giving you glory even when we don't want to or know how to.  It's about showing the world our love and trust in you no matter how many mountains we face.  No matter how bleak and hard the road ahead may look.  It's not going to be easy and it might not be fun, but you love us way more than we can imagine.  Help us to remember every single day that it's not going to be in our timing and it's not going to come when we want it to or even how we want it to.  Your promises are true and faithful.  You will conquer everything we face.  You have gone before us. Help us hear you always and show us the way you are calling us to go.

"I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,

making a dry path through the sea.

I called forth the mighty army of Eygpt

with all its chariots and horses.

I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,

their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.

But FORGET all that--

it is NOTHING compared to what I am going to do.

For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43: 16-19

Has God promised you something? Has He given you a dream but you just don't know how to walk in faith and let Him make it a realty? I encourage you to pick up this book. I'm just a few chapters in and it is so amazing.  And if God is telling you to leave something behind.  Don't hesitate.  It won't be easy and you will probably have to leave it behind day after day for awhile. But I know it will be worth it.  I'm not there yet.....but I have faith that it will be greater than I could ever imagine.  

Glimpses of Beauty: The easy road vs the hard road

Well here we are.  Finally in Canby MN living as a family under one roof.  Finally reaching a goal that we had been praying for and striving for for days....weeks....months....and over a year.  We have been living this life for 2 weeks now.  2 weeks of our new normal.  2 weeks of sleeping together under 1 roof.  2 weeks of dinner as a family together every night at the table.  2 weeks of laughter and smiles.  2 weeks of fears coming to the surface about how this new life is going to play out.  Will we make friends? Find a good church home?? Do we even know how to live together as a family 7 days a week anymore? How is our house back in Litchfield? Is it still standing? Did the tenants move in ok?? Will they take care of it?

It's funny how God will take you on a journey to get you where He wants you to be.  And the fact is you will think He is taking you one way, when in reality He has a completely different course laid out for you.  But He won't always lay out a clear path for you.  You will have to be watchful and be careful to listen.  You will have to put way more trust in Him than you even thought was possible.  A lot of times you will be blindly going onto a pathway, and sometimes that path leads to some dark corners.  Corners that are so dark, you hesitate.  You hesitate because the devil puts those little thoughts in your head that God doesn't know what He's doing.  That He isn't really there.  That He lied to you.  That the road is so unbelievably dark that you won't make it out with your head above the water.  You will drown and God will sit there and watch it all happen.  And that's when you have a choice to make.  You can either buy into all those lies.  And when you buy into all those lies, you turn onto your own road and away from God.  And 99% of the time, on that road you will get to a drowning place.  A helpless place.  The other choice you have is simple yet it isn't so simple.  See the other choice is taking those first steps into what looks like the darkest road....the longest road....the hardest road.  And on that road, you won't always see God clearly.  On that road, there will be days you cry out and say "Father what have you done? I can't do this....I wasn't made for this.  What on earth were you thinking by putting me on this path?" But on that path...on that road....that road that looks like it's tons of mountains and valleys and dark corners; you will get breaths of fresh air.  God will make sure to give you glimpses of the beauty He has coming for you.  He will give you moments where you can't even deny His presence because it's too great to deny.  On that road He will be holding your hand every second.  He will be carrying you when your feet can't seem to walk another step.  And when you finally get to your destination at the end of that journey, the view and the air will be far greater than any glimpse He's given you.

Right now, in this moment, we are just getting a glimpse of the beauty God has in store for us.  We have had to trust Him with every fiber of our being the last year.  Our faith has been stretched far more than we could have ever imagined.  And even though it's been a hard year and the journey has not been easy so far, I don't think Travis nor I would change it.  Because in the midst of it all, we have got to see more of who God is and what He wants for us.  And we have been praying so hard for so long for us to move to Canby and for our house to sell.  God has answered half of that prayer in the last few months.  We are all moved under one roof and there are no words to describe how amazing it feels.  My daughters smile every night when daddy walks through the door makes my heart soar.  Hearing them chase each other and giggle hysterically every night blesses me more than I could ever  imagine.  Knowing my husband is getting a good home-cooked meal every.single.night. is AMAZING.  Not sleeping alone in a big empty bed feels AMAZING.  But we still have to trust Him.  We do still own our house in Litchfield.  We have renters in it and that was something that scared the crap out of us.  But God has perfect timing and told us to wait to rent it out until we did because I firmly believe He found us the perfect renters and they probably weren't ready to rent our house a year ago.  I also firmly believe He had the house we are in picked out for us.  While it certainly is not the ideal house and isn't perfect...the fact is, it wasn't available or ready a year ago.  There is a reason our house hasn't sold yet.  There is a reason we are having to rent it out and in turn rent a house for us to live in.  So our journey isn't over.  We are still on the path God placed before us and we are still choosing the path that without God's help looks like the darker path.  But with all that He has done for us in the past year, and looking back and seeing the ways He has never left us; we know.....we know the path He wants for us is the better path.  It has our best interests at heart and in the end when we can finally say we are completely DONE with this journey, we will be looking around and saying, "My God how you are good.  My Lord look at this.  We couldn't have dreamed up a better ending.  I wouldn't change a thing."

So the next time you come to a fork in the road and there are 2 paths you can take: An easy brightly lit one or a hard uphill darker road....just take a few more moments before you immediately go to the easy road.  God never said following Him would always be the easy road.  And even though it's not the easy road...if God is the one leading you down it....it will always....always....ALWAYS be worth it.  Even if it takes you way longer than you imagined......


**This is one of the many many songs people told me to listen to through the dark times of our journey.  So when you are on the hard road and in the place where you aren't sure what He has planned for you....pull up this song and sing it from the depths of your heart.  And if you need more...I've got plenty to share :) 

A love letter....

My sweet hubby,

I know our life is so hard right now and not at all what we dreamed it would be like when we first said I do.  Back then we thought we'd be living this picture perfect life, the fairy tale kind.  We would have a kid or 2 by now (which we do) and we would be living the American dream.  Dinners as a family at the dining room table every night at 5:30......reading bedtime stories together to our little angels......both climbing into the same bed exhausted....and falling asleep knowing that all is right in the world because we are together.

But as we have learned over the course of our lives together that life isn't a fairy tale.  And it doesn't always go how you dream it will.  There are times when we aren't sure how we are going to make it...how we are going to hold it together and survive whatever storm we might be in.  Times where the future isn't completely clear and we honestly have no idea where we are going to end up.  Times of frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, uncertainty, fear, anxiety.....

And while I know there has been and will continue to be those dark times in our lives together here on this earth, I'm so extremely grateful and happy that when I look over I see you by my side. Because I know that no matter what gets thrown at us, that we will make it through.  That our love will survive.  And while this sounds corny and cheesy, I know it to be 100% true.  With Christ at the center of our marriage, as long as we continue to look to Him for guidance in every circumstance, we will become stronger and a tighter unit through everything that life places in front of us.

And just because I don't say the words enough my handsome guy: You are kind.  You are thoughtful.  You are strong.  You continue to amaze me with each passing minute. I am so thankful for each and everything you do no matter how tired you are to make sure my life is easier.  The way you love our daughter is priceless and makes my heart soar.  I feel completely safe whenever you are near.  You provide for our family in more ways than you even know.....

The fact that you chose me to be your girl for the rest of our lives still makes me giddy with excitement.  You are my guy and I will always continue to thank the sweet Lord for bringing you into my life.  Thank you for being you.  Remember that, no matter what my face and voice might say sometimes, these words are the truth of my heart and they my dear will never ever ever change...

Love,
Your one and only

The day I had been dreading.....

Yesterday had been a day I had been dreading for a few weeks now.  Not because I would turn another day older, I'm totally fine with that.  Another year older means you've gotten a chance to put more life in your years and make more memories with loved ones.  No I wasn't dreading it because of that, I was dreading it for a whole different reason.  A reason that had nothing to do with my age or day of birth.  It was a reason that really should have been celebrated and brought so much more joy to the day than usual...... Exactly one year ago yesterday, Travis and I made the official decision for him to take the job out in Canby.

While I remember that day being so full of joy and hope and excitement last year, this year had a much different feeling to it.  Last year we were at Worship in the park with our church for the fall kick off.  I remember listening to Pastor Paul talk about the plans for the next year and the excitement of what the year would bring.  I remember singing along with the closing songs and having tears streaming down my face.  So thankful that God brought this new journey into our path and at the same time feeling the sadness that that meant leaving our church home and friends we loved so dearly.  I remember telling a close girlfriend that we had made our decision, and I remember barely being able to get the words out.  But even though they were a little bit of sadness tears, they were mostly tears of excitement, joy, and hope.  We were starting on a fresh new journey.  A journey we were most certain God had put us on for a reason.  But last year if you would have asked us if we would still be in this place.  This place of so much still left undone.....a place were there is so much a uncertainty....a place were at times we feel it will never end....If you would have asked us if we would still have Maci and me in Litchfield while Trav was out in Canby our answer would have been "Oh gosh no!!"  Much less have answer that I would be 5 months pregnant and still being a single parent during the week.

So as yesterday fast approached, even though it was my birthday, I dreaded it.  I dreaded the thought of acknowledging that we have been here a year now.  That not much has changed in our situation since last year at this time.  That God didn't rush in and save us.  That we still are living apart 5 out of 7 days a week....and sometimes 6 out of 7 days.  Days that sometimes get ridiculously lonely.  Days that hurt so bad that we want to scream.  Days when we feel hopeless.  And even some days where we look around and say "God where are you? Are you even still here?" Yes it has been one very hard year.  And I will admit that yesterday, on my birthday, I did share some tears.  And there were a few moments that I wanted to just take Maci and curl up in bed until the day had passed.  But even though the devil tried to ruin my day completely with random mishaps, God had a different idea and used people that love our family to make it a good day instead.

And while this road has been ridiculously hard and I have my bad days, when I really sit here and reflect on the past year, I can't help but be thankful and full of gratitude to God.  Because even though He hasn't 'swooped in' and made our prayers happen NOW, He has blessed us throughout the entire time.  Even when we didn't feel Him around and had our moments when we played into the lie that He left us alone.  And if you ask me when it's all over if I would want to take it back my answer would be absolutely not.  Will I want to go through it again, again absolutely not.  But I don't think I will ever want to take back a single moment and change it.  God has blessed us so much through Travs job and using it to show us he is where he is supposed to be.  I never knew he could be so stress free when it comes to his work.  He loves what he does again and for that alone I'm thankful.  Our marriage as a unit, even though we have had some really tough times, we have gotten closer and formed a tighter knot through it all.  We cherished each moment he's home more and savor it.  Not one minute when he is around on the weekends is ever taken for granted.  Financially God has blessed us to make sure we haven't suffered past what we can handle. There have been bills we weren't sure how we would pay and God made something come through that we just couldn't explain any other way than Him.  When Maci got sick, we firmly believe we were supposed to still be living where we are because we were that much closer to Children's, which was where she needed to be then.  This baby girl in my tummy....she is a gift from Him in so many ways.  And the list could go on.

So if you take away this past year and change it to be perfect timing in our eyes, we wouldn't have had to depend on God's strength so much rather than our own.  When I think of the blessings we have had because of God waiting on His timing rather than doing it on our timing, the fact that we have been in the waiting room for a year now doesn't sound as bad.  It doesn't make me want to scream as loud.  The situation still stinks and we are still on our knees begging God to make it happen but we don't have to be bitter at God for it.  He is still there and He always will be.  Are you going through something hard?? Something that isn't happening in your timing and all you have is to sit and wait on God?? I'm here to say that even though there will be days you question if God is there, He is and always will be.  All He is asking is for you to lay it down at His feet and just....be.....held.....

"Come to me all, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"

-Matthew 11:28

'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'

-2 Corinthians 12:9

When we say "I'm fine" when we really mean: "I'm not ok..."

"Hey! How are you?"

"I'm fine.  How about you?"

"Good!"


This is a conversation that happens daily in everyone's life.  You see someone you know on the street, at the store, at church...wherever.  You both smile and do the generic conversation.  I say generic because let's be honest, how many of us truthfully answer that question? How many of smile and say we are fine when really we are weeping and screaming inside? And how many of us on the flip side ask the question hoping and expecting the person to just give the generic response? I'm fine, good, ok..... When we ask the questions are we being sincere about it? Or are we just asking because it has become the normal in our society?

Why do we do this to ourselves? When we don't admit to others that we are hurting it is only hurting ourselves more.  It only does to more damage than good.  The bible says that God works best in our weakness, therefore we  should boast about our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).  So when we are weak, when we are hurting....why do we try so hard to conceal it? To try and make it seem like we are doing fine and good with whatever life is currently throwing at us? Instead of replying with the generic ok, fine, good; we need to starting saying honestly how we are doing.  If we aren't doing fine or good, then we need to respond with: "Right now we are really struggling.  This is isn't as easy as I thought it would be.  Could you please pray for us?"  Or if life is really good and wonderful say that and why you are so blessed in that moment.

And on the flip side, when we ask those words to others, "How are you?" we need to stop asking so scripted .  We need to start asking with heart and compassion behind it.  We need to start letting the person know we are truly asking because we care about them and want to know how we can help them.  And if someone does respond with "I'm not ok....this isn't easy.  I'm hurting..", we need to really listen and take action! Maybe it's stopping right then and there and praying over them.  Maybe it's making a note and a point to pray over their family in our own quiet time.  Maybe it's asking them to go out and have coffee.  Maybe it's making it a point to go out of our way to make their day brighter.  When they tell you of a need, help fill it.  Help show them Jesus.

I struggle so hard with both sides of this.  God is working on my heart hard the past few weeks telling me that it's ok and better to be weak, because in Him I am strong.  Instead of telling everyone I'm doing fine, I need to start saying "You know this is really hard.  I didn't think it would get this hard.  I didn't expect to cry this much.  I'm not as strong as I've been pretending to be." And on the flip side of that I too do the generic "how are you?' when I'm greeting someone because it's the thing to do.  I need to start asking with more heart and compassion.  I need to start really listening to people and help them in their time of need.  Life is busy and it's hard.  It's so easy to get caught up in our own circumstances that we forget to see the needs of those around us.  But God calls us to rise up and be different than this world. (Romans 12:2)

With this I challenge each and every one of us to start seeing this question as more than a generic question.  To start asking with the intention to really hear how the other is doing.  And to start answering with truth and transparency.  What do you think? Can we do it? I know with Christ we can and maybe....just MAYBE it will be one small change to our lives to start showing more of Jesus in this sad and broken world.....

Below is just a little Matt Redman to start your weekend off right :) 

That unsettled feeling...

Last spring and summer I had this deep pit in my stomach.  Not necessarily a bad pit but a very unsettled pit.  A feeling that something was going to happen....that our lives would be changed in someway, shape or form.  Trav had been talking about finding a new job for quite awhile but it was just that: a lot of talking.  Until one day he let me know that he had decided to touch base with a recruiter to help him find exactly the job he was looking for.  Not long after that everything got very real.  Jobs were being discussed.  Jobs that we had to decide if it was a good fit or not.  Jobs that weren't in the area and that all required us to move away from Litchfield.  I knew deep down that this wasn't just talk anymore.  I knew a change was coming and I knew eventually Trav would be accepting a job; one that he would love. 

I told Travis more than once I knew it would happen soon; I could feel it deep inside.  You see that unsettled pit, in my mind, was the holy spirit's way of saying "Daughter it's coming and you need to prepare your heart.  I'm going to bless your husband with some thing he has wanted for some time now." Little did I know, this little something would require a great deal of sacrifice and strength from me.  Little did I know I would have to 'sign on' to being a single mommy 5, 6, sometimes even 7 days a week.  But I knew above all else I loved and trusted my husband as well as Jesus with my life.  I knew as long as they both were pointing the same direction that we would all be fine.

Here we are 7 months later.  Some days are good and some days are bad but I'm still trusting Jesus with this crazy chaotic life and I know He is working it all out.  But lately, I have been having that unsettled pit again.  That feeling of something changing.  That feeling of God preparing something behind the scenes for us.  It's a strange feeling, one that I totally can't explain in words.  Some nights I feel like we are visitors in our own house.  Like we don't quite belong here anymore.  Like our lives aren't here anymore.  But even though I don't 100% know for certain that means our house is going to sell like ASAP, I am hearing that still small voice again.  "Daughter it's coming and you need to prepare your heart...."

Maybe you  have that still small voice inside of you that is making you feel unsettled.  Whether it's an exciting unsettled feeling or a scary one, I promise you that God is behind the scenes working on it.  It might take longer than you 'planned' for or it might be faster than you 'planned' for, but either way God's timing is perfect.  And through it all He will be beside you holding you up when you need it.......

"The Lord says, 'I will rescue those who love me.

I will protect those who trust in my name.

When they call on me, I will answer.

I will be with them in trouble.

I will rescue and honor them.

I will reward them with a long life

and give them my salvation.'"

-Pslam 91:14-16

Someone shared this song on Facebook earlier today and I am now in love.  He will never fail...

Trials Come So That....

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work in you SO THAT you may be mature and complete not lacking anything."

-James 1: 2-4

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials. Pure joy? How on earth can we look at any and all trials and take joy in them? How can we go through something that makes our hearts heavy and consider it joy? And why on earth would God ever want that from us? Does He take delight in seeing us suffer? Of course not so why, WHY should we consider it joy? This verse alone has so much depth to it and honestly it has been one that has helped me get through these past several months.  But I don't think I fully grasped all it truly had to offer me until this very week.

For the past month now I have been working through the book, "Living So That" by Wendy Blight with Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies.  It is an incredible book and one I hope you will read one day.  This week the topic is: Trials Come So That.  Every week we have a memory verse to go along with the study, one that includes a SO THAT.  And my mouth dropped open when I saw that this week James 1:2-4 was our memory verse.  I have come to hold that verse so close to my heart for the past 6 months or so.  And I have no doubts in my mind that I was meant to be pouring my heart over that verse every day this very week.  You see, we are coming up on 7 months of our family living apart.  7 months!!! I could have never imagined we would still be in the place we are in. I would have never imagined God would decide to make us live with our 'trial' for 7 long tiring months.  And these past couple of weeks I honestly thought He would show up and let everything just fall into place.  That we would be moved and living our happily ever after again.  But here we are, no offer on our house and still living in 2 separate places. And as much faith as I still have that our house will be sold soon, this week has been a hard one.  

Honestly I've been trying to stay upbeat and super optimistic for the past several weeks now.  I've been trying not to say "if" anymore but "when".  I've been packing up our belongs and getting into the mindset that soon we will be saying good-bye to our loved ones here in Litch and we will be on our way to start our new life.  But this week, man it's been tough.  I kept trying to consider it pure joy but then yesterday, I just couldn't anymore.  I was down in the dumps and just plain sad.  My heart hurt and I thought "God I can't keep being happy about this.  I can't say "when" today God."  So Maci and I loaded up in the car and headed out to meet the hubby for supper halfway.  And when we had to leave, Trav and I both looked at each other and without saying a word we could look into each other eyes and see how much it hurt to be saying goodbye.  That's not considering it pure joy now is it? 

Then this morning I opened up that sweet book I've been reading and it had me read the story of Lazarus.  (John 11:1-45)  And then God blessed me with a new outlook.  You see Martha and Mary asked Jesus to show up and save their brother.  They asked Him to come and heal him so He wouldn't die.  But instead Jesus waited...He waited until it was too late in Martha and Mary's eyes.  Because by the time Jesus did come, Lazarus had been dead a few days already.  Martha and Mary of course were beside themselves. Their brother died and Jesus didn't come like they asked.  When Jesus saw how upset they were do you know what He did? He wept with them.  He cried with them.  Why? Because He LOVED them and didn't want to see them hurting.  He knew the outcome but He still didn't like seeing their hearts hurt.  In verse 40 Jesus says, "Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?" And with that He asked Lazarus to come out.  Can you imagine Martha and Mary's faces?? They thought it was too late!! They thought they would never see their brother alive again! And there he was in front of them, Jesus had rose him from the dead.  You see Martha and Mary thought it was over.  Probably also that Jesus had forgotten about them and left them there to suffer.  But instead Jesus did more than they could have imagined and because of that all those onlookers who were watching came to be followers of Jesus.  

"....the trials and sufferings that enter into our lives come to bring about the glory of God and to point others to Him."

We can learn so much about trials and sufferings from this story.  We must consider it pure joy because we know that God is always going to win, He is always going to be there for us, and glory and honor will always come to Him through it. But that doesn't mean it won't be hard.  It doesn't mean we can't weep sometimes.  It doesn't mean we can never let God see how much it hurts because friend, He sees in our hearts how much it hurts and He weeps with us.  But let's not forget what's on the other side.  Let's never forget that in the end God will get glory from it.  Through our sufferings we will bring others to Christ.  God will use our trials and through us others will be able to get through whatever they are also going through.  God is at work during our sufferings, maybe behind the scenes but He is at work so that all glory and honor will be His.