But I don't want to leave it behind....

Haven't wrote in such a long time.  A lot has happened in the past 6 months.  We moved to be together as one family under one roof....had a beautiful baby....and had to get used to taking care of 2 kids instead of 1.  I've honestly just been trying to relish in the newness of everything.  The newness of the house we will in, the newness of the little town we moved too.....the newness of sweet Lyla and having 2 little girls to love and raise.... And honestly....I've been trying so hard to just love it.  No matter what.  It wasn't how we wanted to get here and it's not how we wanted to be living but it says in James 1:2-4 to take joy in our trials and sufferings.  So I've been trying my darnedest to do just that.

And yet here I am on a beautiful spring morning not feeling so joyful.  I've hit that wall.  That wall of saying, "God I don't get this. Why oh why are doing it this way? Why have we had to sit here and wait and wait AND WAIT to get to our finish line with this season? Why are we living somewhere that is way too expensive? (and a place that has way too many spiders going on...but that's a whole other discussion) Why is our house still sitting here on the market and not sold? Did we do something wrong? Have we not been faithful to you and done everything you have asked? Or did we mess up somewhere and take a wrong turn?"

I hate that those thoughts have all creeped their way back into my heart but they have.  And that's the real honest truth.  The past few weeks we've had a few more ups and downs and hopes torn down.  One of those things was something we thought God was illustrating for us to bring us to our final destination. I made this timeline in my head.  This timeline that would WOW me.  I kept thinking "Wow God is this it? Is this where you are taking us? I can't believe it!" And I started being so thankful for this plan I made in my head and none of it had even happened.  But did you hear me? Did you catch that? I made this timeline....I MADE THIS TIMELINE.  God never said it would come to be.....He never gave me this sign in my head.  I just decided that's how He was going to do it.  I decided that if I was going to have it happen that was how I would want it done.  It had nothing to do with God's plan and what He actually was going to do.

I'm doing a bible study on the book "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" through Proverbs 31.  It couldn't have come at a more perfect time.  This week's chapters have been all about how we need to go through a leaving stage.  That when we chose to walk in faith with God through our dreams, He first asks us to leave things behind.  And this morning...at the end of my chapter... Lysa asks "What is God asking you to leave behind?" After a morning with some tears shed that answer was pretty clear.  After a morning where uncertainty and doubt came knocking on my door..... a morning where I wanted to sit and question EVERYTHING God promised us... the answer stared me right in the face.  I want things done MY way....in MY timing.  Yes I have been walking in faith with God the past year and half.  Yes I have known the entire time it would all be in His timing, and yet I don't think I really got it.  I don't think I ever laid it all down at His feet and said "God take this need for me to control this situation you are wanting to solve for us.  That you are wanting to give to us.  Take this want of me wanting it in MY timing and MY way. "  So I say that to Him right here right now.

God this journey isn't about me.  It's about YOU.  It's about all you have promised us.  It's about giving you glory even when we don't want to or know how to.  It's about showing the world our love and trust in you no matter how many mountains we face.  No matter how bleak and hard the road ahead may look.  It's not going to be easy and it might not be fun, but you love us way more than we can imagine.  Help us to remember every single day that it's not going to be in our timing and it's not going to come when we want it to or even how we want it to.  Your promises are true and faithful.  You will conquer everything we face.  You have gone before us. Help us hear you always and show us the way you are calling us to go.

"I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,

making a dry path through the sea.

I called forth the mighty army of Eygpt

with all its chariots and horses.

I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,

their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.

But FORGET all that--

it is NOTHING compared to what I am going to do.

For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43: 16-19

Has God promised you something? Has He given you a dream but you just don't know how to walk in faith and let Him make it a realty? I encourage you to pick up this book. I'm just a few chapters in and it is so amazing.  And if God is telling you to leave something behind.  Don't hesitate.  It won't be easy and you will probably have to leave it behind day after day for awhile. But I know it will be worth it.  I'm not there yet.....but I have faith that it will be greater than I could ever imagine.