Nightmare come true..

Where do I even begin? The last 72 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I am just now today beginning to filter through everything my mind didn't let me feel until now.  Every emotion I should have been feeling this weekend....fear, sadness, heartache....all of it, I didn't completely feel until we were walking out of the hospital this morning waving good bye to all the nurses.  I didn't completely feel it until I was holding my baby girl as we walked toward the car and see her face light up which I hadn't seen in so long.  We were getting to go home when just 60 some hours before we were arriving not knowing what was going to happening or if we would even be getting to leave with a happy healthy little girl again.

I know Facebook updates were just that. Updates, they didn't say what was really going on in our minds. They didn't convey the fear that was not being said.  They didn't say just how bad everything was at first.  And looking back now, we can see why we had to try and be so strong.  Our baby girl was sicker than we could have ever imagined.  We had been to the doctor for croup Wednesday and Thursday.  Along with it she had a double ear infection.  Thursday night we had thought she was getting better but Friday morning when she woke up she was 'wheezy' off and on, we later learned it was called 'stridor'.  We both went back and forth as to if we should call the doctor again or if this was just part of the croup that needed to take its course.....She would start doing it and then all the sudden stop and just be sleeping for awhile.

At noon Dr. Wilson called on her administrative day (a day where the doctors take no patients and just work on paperwork.) She wanted to check in on Maci and make sure she was slowly getting better.  When I told her what was going on she quickly said she was going to go look at the schedule and call me back.  Not even 5 minutes later a nurse called to tell me that Dr. Wilson wanted us to come in at 2 and she wanted to be the one to see Maci.  From there I quickly went to run some errands and came back just before 1:30 to pick up Trav and Maci to head to Hutch. When I walked in the back door I could hear Maci having that 'stridor' sound as soon as I walked in the back door.  She was laying in the living room trying to sleep.  Clearly I knew right away she had gotten worse and was so thankful Dr. Wilson had called and made us go back in. Maci slept and struggled to catch her breath the whole way into the dr.  Once there we quickly got taken back to the doctor where Dr. Wilson said she had gotten worse and we needed to try some more Nebs with adrenaline as well as another steroid shot. We also did some xrays to make sure there was nothing else we were missing.

After the xrays she still wasn't better so yet again we tried another nebulizer which Dr. Wilson quickly decided still wasn't working.  It was then she looked us in the eye and said it was time to take us over to the ER and she would need to call Children's Hospital in the cities to take her there.  When I asked why she just said they had this helium oxygen mix that would help her better and  make her feel better faster.  What I didn't know til later, was that 'helium oxygen mix' was a to help her breath in general because her little lungs weren't getting enough.  I am so glad I didn't know this at the time.  I would have lost it right then and there....

Once in the ER, everything went pretty fast.  They took her temp which in just a matter of an hour had shot up to 103. They tried to start an IV and also did yet another neb treatment.  With all the poking Maci just laid still in my arms, not one cry. I was naive and thought they would just let us get in our car and drive up to Children's until they told me that no that wasn't the case.  We would have to be taken by ambulance.  I looked at Trav with panic and he assured me it was just for liability reasons.  When I asked to go with they said they weren't sure yet.  If they didn't need to do lights and sirens, then for sure.  If they decided she was too weak and needed the lights and sirens, it was up to the EMTs.  When the EMTS got there there was a lot of hushed tones and whispering...I don't know why they do that...as a mama who's scared I heard a good deal of it.  The one that stuck out the clearest was a nurse asking one of the ER doctors if mom was going with....his reply...."they need lights and sirens so I don't know.." From that point on my mind was kinda blank....I didn't want to cry because the angel in my arms needed to have comfort and me crying wouldn't have helped.

As they were poking Maci some more and I was frankly spacing out...the kind nurse looked up at me and said "Sounds like you are going with!" THANK YOU JESUS!! How on earth would I have put her in that bed and let them take off with our baby.  So in came the gurney and I climbed on up and laid Maci on my chest while they strapped us in nice and tight.  The doctors and nurses lined the hallway to wheel us out and gave us well wishes and squeezes and when we got to Dr. Wilson, with tears I said, "Thank you so much.....I dont' even know what else to say except thank you..." If she hadn't have called when she did, 911 would have had to been called.  She was a God send.  She was a miracle.

The 45 minute ride to the cites went fast...yes I said 45 minutes because we were flying.  What I didn't know til later was that my dear sweet poor husband had to pull over for us while driving to the cities.  I can't even imagine the terror and sadness and fear that he was feeling as he pulled over and thought "There goes my life...." literally..... In the ambulance Maci was put on a heart monitor as well as oxygen.  She didn't wake the whole time.....not once....not even over huge bumps in the road..

We arrived at the Children's ER and everything went even faster.  People in and out of our room.  IV put in....oxygen being brought in....whispers....nurses saying "Im so glad you are here.  You did the right thing...she is such a sick little girl..." All I could do was lay in the bed and hold tight to Maci and try to keep her calm and tell her it's ok baby girl it's ok....

From there we were taken to ICU where she was closely monitored all night.  Her oxygen saturation levels when she was first brought in were around 74....they are supposed to be in the upper 90s.  Yes she indeed was one sick little girl. I asked the ICU doctor if this was normal with croup and he said it happens, but this year Maci was only the 2nd one he had seen this sick from it.  He said we would for sure be there through the weekend.  We had one nurse all night....I didn't know til later that only the sickest of the sick got only one nurse.  I didn't know til later that the doctors weren't sure if they had to put a tube in her to help her breathe...I didn't know til later that the doctors didn't know if she would turn for the worse.....

That all was just Friday night.  The weekend went on from there and I could go on, but most of it after that I expressed on Facebook and this post would get way longer if I did.  Today I am feeling every emotion I told my body not to feel all weekend.  I called 2 different girlfriends to tell them the whole story because I couldn't send it all in their text messages they sent through the weekend.  And in the phone calls the tears started and then tonight as we were saying good night to our sweet angel and prayed over her, the tears finally full blown came.  That strength I had came from all of those that were praying over us....all of those that were checking in to make sure we were ok....it came from our loving Savior Jesus Christ who knew I needed it to get our family through it.  If you think He doesn't exist I have many examples of why He does.  Words don't do it justice when I say thank you to you all.  Those that I don't even really know well that were offering their help and their love...those that I have lost touch with that were texting and praying and offering their help.....we are overwhelmed by your love.  We are overwhelmed by your compassion.  We are just overwhelmed....

So this next week I'm going to enjoy our little girl that much more than I ever have.  I"m going to be savoring each moment in ways I never have.  Each moment is a gift.  Prayers work.  And there are still people in this world that care about you when you go through tough times.  Thank you isn't enough...and THANK YOU JESUS that this weekend is over.  We aren't well yet, but we are so much better than what we were......

In the waiting room...

It's been 5 months.  5 months since our family started out on a long journey.  5 months of sleeping in separate beds.  5 months of eating dinner apart instead of as a family together at the table.  5 months of putting miles and miles on our Pontiac Grand Am.  5 months of buying two separate grocery lists. 5 months of paying for a hotel so my husband has a place to lay his head at night.  5 months of Maci asking for daddy every day and me having to say we will see him Friday.  5 months of what feels like us living 2 completely different lives.

It's honestly hard to believe this all started 5 months ago. While at times it has been way longer than that, there are also times where I wonder where the heck the past 5 months have gone.  We've shared days of heartache and tears, but we've also shared days of excitement and joy.  At the very beginning there were many many days when I asked God why.  Why couldn't He move mountains right away. Why was He making us wait for so long. Why did it feel like I was so alone some days.....

Yet in the past several weeks, God has given me glimpses of the answers to those questions.  And while we don't see a for sure end date in sight for this road we are on, we have been given some clear signs that we are still on the right path.  That we are still listening to God.  That even though there are some solutions we could do right now to make it all end, we are still doing what God called us to do in the very beginning.  Yesterday was just one example of how God shows us that.

For those that don't know we went house hunting this past weekend.  It was a day full of excitement but yet also a time of flat out nerves  We were going to see the areas that we would be making a new life in.  An area where our kids would go to school and made their presence known in this world.  A place where they would start to leave their mark on this world.  We saw many houses, and at the end of the day, we could clearly see the life God is preparing for us out there.  We started focusing on one area in particular out there and so we started our research.  And of course at the top of the list was seeing what church options were out there.  Most of the area is saturated with Lutheran and Catholic churches, but Travis happened to find a baptist church out there with a new pastor that was around our age and have a baby maybe a little younger than Maci.  I then went to our pastors to see what if anything they knew about the church.  Prior to this I had been praying God would show us we were in the right direction.  That wanting this area was the right way.  And when they emailed me back I got an answer.  The new pastor at the church we were looking at was the son of a previous interim pastor at Cornerstone before Pastor Paul.  I sat there and just said "Wow God.  What are the chances that someone from small town Litchfield would have a connection to someone out there..seriously what are the chances?"

Then later on that day I got a sweet message from a friend from church letting me know she had been thinking of us that day and gave me 2 verses.  One of which was Mark 11:24:

"I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it will be yours"

I'm not just boldly praying that our house sells anymore.  I am BELIEVING that it has sold. I am thanking God for it before it even happens....

There are days when we feel like God has forgotten about us...days when we feel so alone....days when we feel like it will never happen.  But then there are days when God shows up and wraps His loving arms around us and says, "Child I am here.  I love you and am taking care of it.  Just believe.  Just believe...."

We are not alone in the waiting room.  We are not the only family praying for this season in our lives to end.  We are not alone when some days we  are so discouraged. There are more of you out there and I pray that this gives you hope.  Hope that even though there are bad days, there WILL BE  good days.  Days when you can just dance and scream about how amazing our Savior is.  Have faith, believe. God hears you, He sees you, He LOVES you.  There is a reason He is making you wait.  More than likely He is teaching you to trust Him more than you ever thought possible.  This season, this 'winter' will end for you.  I promise friends.  It won't last forever 

  

Patient Endurance - The longest run.....

"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will.  Then you will receive all that he has promised."

Romans 10:35-36

Life sometimes can feel like the longest journey.  It can feel like everything you have ever wanted will never come to be.  It can get long, and lonely, and just plain hard.  But it can also be so exciting and thrilling. Some days it feels as if you are racing to the finish line and going to place first.  While other days it can seem like you will never make it there....

I'm so not a runner but I do know plenty of people that are.  And I can say I know the basics of running.  I know that unless you are doing a short distance, sprinting would not be the best thing for you to do.  When you are running a long race, you want to have a slow yet steady pace.  You don't want to push yourself too hard too fast.  If you do decide to go that route, in the end you might end up beating yourself up over it.  But let's be honest, we've all been there before, at the starting line.  Whether it's just in theory or in reality, the starting line can be so thrilling.  Your heart beats fast and you have more than enough adrenaline running through your veins you think you could run 100 miles and be just fine.  So what's the impulse to do? Start of sprinting out of the gates.  But a trained professional runner of course would probably tell you that's not such a good idea.  Because if you start out sprinting, chances are towards the middle you will become worn out sooner and quicker.   But of course at the beginning, at the starting line, when you are sprinting you feel fantastic and like you could run forever......but we all know if you start off sprinting it's not going to last.

It's been 5 months now since our family starting out on the starting line.  Everything was new and exciting. God placed an amazing opportunity in front of us, one that we had been praying about for quite some time before that.  One our hearts had been begging for.  And 4 months ago when Travis left to start work in another town we were energized.  We knew this path was one that God placed before us.  One that He had given us.  We literally beamed whenever we talked about our future.  We started off sprinting and I believe deep down in our hearts we thought we would continue to sprint to the finish line..... But of course God has something else in mind and here we are 4 months later stuck in the same place we were then.

Living in 2 different towns Monday-Friday.  Trying to figure out how to stay connected as a family and trying to find a normal.  Many days we remember God still have a plan for us and we know...we know in the end it will all work out the way he promised.  But then there are days like today when I just feel disappointed.  I feel lost and honestly I feel like somehow He has forgotten about us.  And then He suddenly shows up.  Not in the way I want Him to, the way I'm begging Him too....but in way where He whispers in my ear letting me know He's got this.  I need not worry, I need not question Him.  He's got this. 

I decided for some reason to start a new book tonight.  Haven't even finished my previous one but still decided to start it anyway.  And there at the end of the Acknowledgements it says: Hebrews 10:35-36.  So I decide not to be lazy and actually look it up.  And BAM there He is waiting to draw me into His arms and give me comfort.....

"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will.  Then you will receive all that he has promised."

Right now...in this moment, God doesn't want me sprinting.  He doesn't want me growing tired and weary.  He doesn't want me to think He's abandoned us or forgotten.  Right now He wants me to have patient endurance and wait for what He has in store for us.  And I know, even though I don't see it right now...even though I might not always feel like it's true...I know what He has in store for us is far far far greater than I will have ever imagined.  

Is that you?? Are you waiting on God to show up?? Are you waiting for an answered prayer to happen?? If so I hope you find comfort in these verses as much as I did.  Dear child of God He hasn't forgotten about you.  He hasn't left you.  He is just busy putting all the pieces into place to wow you.  Trust me you won't believe that every single day, but you will have far better days knowing the truth in that.  

And if you are reading this and needing prayer over that thing you are patiently waiting on, email me...message me...whatever and tell me how I can pray for you.  There is power behind prayers and if there is one thing I've learned so far on our journey is that when you know someone is praying for you....like actually really truly praying for you....you can feel the strength that comes from that. 

People Get Ready....

I was reading an article this afternoon that K-Love had shared on their Facebook page.  The article was talking about a World Banker calling for the world, especially the U.S. to start looking into a one world currency.  The article proceeded to talk about how this banker felt that this would help solve the economic problems the world is having.  Much of it was over my head, and much of it I'm sure I will have to have my hubby explain to me in more detail so I understand more about what is exactly being stated....but the one thing I don't need him to explain is this...

If you have read Revelation...if you have even seen or read any of the Left Behind movies....if you have even heard anyone talk about the end times and Jesus coming back this article might make your heart jump a little bit.  Might send a shiver down your spine...might make you wonder if this really is just one more step closer to the end of life as we know it....

There have been people for years and years and years trying to predict when God would come back....when the world would just get too badly broken for Him to continue to let it all happen.  Fact of the matter is this:

No. One. Knows. Period.

But this article did stir up something in me. God used it as just another wake up call.  An alarm to say: "HEY CHRISSY!! You see this?? You know it's coming, you may not know when and you may not know if it's going to be in your lifetime but bottom line you KNOW it's coming.  So what are you doing about it?? Are you showing everyone you meet MY love?? Are you showing them in the best possible ways who I am? Are you loving more than you are judging? Are you helping hearts come to want a deep meaningful relationship with ME?" 

Fact is friends...I'm not.  I know I'm not doing the best I can.  I know I judge way more than I love some days.  And with the world as bad as it is right, I know probably A LOT of us struggle with that one.  It's a fine line to walk between not judging and just accepting the world as it is.  It's a fine line between not judging and keeping your mouth shut just because you don't want to offend anyone.  It's a fine line between loving and having others think you are okay with their certain life style choices.  It's a fine line with loving and it's a fine line with judging.  

I want people to know what I believe. I want them to know that I follow the one true God.  I want them to know I believe in everything Jesus taught.  But I want to leave the judging part to God.   I don't want to accept the sins they commit but I don't want to push them away by casting judgement on them. It's not my job.  My job is to love them so much they can't deny the love of Christ.  I want to love them so much that they see Jesus in me.  Does that mean I accept what they do all the time? Of course not, but it does mean I pray every day for God to help me find that fine line and walk it with Him.  

So I'm gonna use this little wake up call God gave me and use it to get better at loving ALL of God's children.  Those that love Him and those that don't. I'm gonna use it to start asking every single day for God to help me not judge people so harshly, but instead to love them so much that they want to know Jesus personally. 

I don't have all the answers...I know I'm not perfect......but I want to to have so many of my friends and family standing next to me on the day we will be counted.  I want people that I see on a regular basis at the grocery store.....at the doctors office.....at the park......I want to see people I've only met once in my life....I want to see many faces that I recognize standing there before God.... I don't want to see faces that I could have done better to get to know Him but was too scared to stand before God and hearing "I know you not..." 

So PEOPLE GET READY.....

JESUS IS COMING......

Where my light comes from.....

God is GOOD. 

God is AMAZING.  

God is a COMFORTER.  

He is a HAND to HOLD.

He is a HAND to HIGH FIVE.

Someone who will weep WITH you.

Someone who will SHOUT for JOY for YOU.

He is my EVERYTHING.

Period.

Do you know Him yet?? If you don't run to Him now. He doesn't promise an easy life but I promise you that life without Him will be a thousand times harder. Without Him you will weep a little longer, a little harder.

This road we are on is a hard one....and some days I want to just break down and cry but then God gives me days like today.  Days when nothing magical happened.  No 'answered prayers' that I could see.  But a day where I just want to dance, sing, and shout His name.

No life with God doesn't promise to be easy....but oh man does it promise an 

AMAZING RIDE.....

You have 3 options ladies.....

Someone calls you out on something you did.  Whether you agree with them or disagree with them isn't the problem.  The problem is you have 3 options to choose from as your response.  You can either:

A: Let your inner mean girl come out- They are being ridiculous.  Are they seriously making a bigger deal out of this than it really is.  How dare they do this to you.  They have no reason to be upset nor do they have a right to talk to you this way.

B: Stuff it all down inside and let the inside chatter take over- They obviously think you are so stupid.  They can't believe how you would dare do that so obviously they will never forgive you or want to talk to you ever again.  I'm sure they will go around and tell everyone and their dog about what I did.  How could I have been so stupid? They think I'm so immature and the worst type of person.

C: Apologize for what you did to offend or upset them and move on- Most of the time this is the least likely one we will resort to.  As woman we are driven by emotions and I would bet 99.9% off the time it is hard to not react based upon our emotions. We let the emotions flow and very rarely stop and take a second to think over how we are going to react. It's in our nature.  It's in our make up. But that doesn't mean we can't change how we react.  It doesn't mean we can't start trying to keep our God given emotions in check. 

This morning I had someone let me know I had done something they didn't like very much.  I had these very 3 options right in front of my face.  And since just last week I had finished the book Unglued By Lysa TerKeurst these 3 options were fresh in my mind.  This time God put it pretty quick in my mind that I had no right or reason to let my inner mean girl come out.  I may have not had the same opinion in this situation but this person had every right to feel the way they did.  So I was left with the last 2 options......

I'll be honest folks, I am so terribly bad with inside chatter.  There have been so many times I come home from somewhere and think, "Why did I say that?? Why did I do that?? They all think I'm a moron...." and the list goes on......  So when I read chapter 10 in Lysa's book about inside chatter it shook me up inside.  It brought into the light how extremely unhealthy this is and now I try, key word try to stop the inside chatter right away.

This morning was no different.  The first option just plainly wasn't a option.  The second one though I really had to fight off.  I cried to my sweet husband telling him this person is so mad at me now and it will probably be awkward the next time we see them....and how could I ever talk to them again?? If they don't respond to my apology it means they hate me and think I'm so incredibly stupid for doing what I did.  Travis of course flat out said, "Chrissy none of that is true and if they are mad they will get over it.  They will not be mad forever." Yep there was my stop sign to quiet the inside chatter.  This poor person didn't actually physically say anything I was rambling on about.  I hung up with the hubby and remembered chapter 10 in Lysa's book.  I had apologized for making a stupid decision and that was that.  I needed to just move on and not sit and listen to the devil feed me lies.  Because frankly I know that was what he was doing.  He was making me feed into all the insecurities I have about myself.  

I could have dwelt on this small thing literally all day.  I could have felt stupid all day.  I could have wondered if they were over it all day.  But instead I tried my darnedest to do option 3.  Wasn't easy and it probably won't ever be an easy option but with God's help I can do anything....of that I am sure... 

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

He will provide.....

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34

Worrying is probably my worst trait.  I worry over everything.  Ask my husband any time and he will tell you that he has to tell me all the time to not worry so much.  It can be something as little as a sentence I said to someone all the way to how we are going to afford a bill.  Sometimes I even make myself sick over worrying over a situation and most of the time my worry was all for nothing. I've seen the verse above multiple times.  I've heard friends tell stores all the time about how God has provided for their every need.  How when they aren't sure how something is going to work out God finds a way to wow them. But honestly I still have chosen to worry, until we got into the current situation we are in....

Ever since the day God blessed us with Trav's new job I have been committed to not worry so much.  Is the house gonna sell? I know it will, in its own time...I'm so not worried.  How are we going to afford a place for Trav to sleep and extra gas?? Haven't been worried at all...just knew somehow it would work out.  How are we going to survive living apart? We just will, it will be hard but we will make it through.  Right now we have so much we could be worrying about and for some reason we just aren't.  And let me tell you, God is showing up in a HUGE way.  

The very first month Trav was in Canby I had 8, yes 8 cooking shows in 4 weeks.  Didn't know why God was throwing all this work my way when I didn't have a spouse to help with Maci but I did it anyway.  The check from those 8 shows covered Trav's hotel and then some for the 2nd month he would be there.  Praise GOD!! Had a super rough week and felt pretty alone....God used one of my good friends to send me some cheer and let me know she is there for me.  Praise GOD! We got word that after our house sells, we will be getting the go ahead to be able to purchase a house. Praise GOD! Our furnace needed a part replaced this past weekend, my Pampered Chef paycheck again covered the bill and then some.  Praise GOD! Trav's payment to have the hotel for another month is due in a week, today he found out he will barely be there for the month of December due to being in SD and the cities for training and conferences. Therefore he won't be needing it in December.  Praise GOD!!! 

In just 7 weeks God has provided for us in ways we weren't sure how we would make it work.  Ever since I stopped the worrying over everything, He has blessed me more than I could imagine.  He has shown me that I can trust Him. That He has my back.  That He will provide for my every need.  For my families every need.  

So this Thanksgiving I'm praising God for this crazy life He has me in right now. There are times its hard and sometimes down right sucks but He is holding us through it.  He is teaches us to lean on Him no matter what.  He is showing us He will provide for our every need.....