Nightmare come true..

Where do I even begin? The last 72 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I am just now today beginning to filter through everything my mind didn't let me feel until now.  Every emotion I should have been feeling this weekend....fear, sadness, heartache....all of it, I didn't completely feel until we were walking out of the hospital this morning waving good bye to all the nurses.  I didn't completely feel it until I was holding my baby girl as we walked toward the car and see her face light up which I hadn't seen in so long.  We were getting to go home when just 60 some hours before we were arriving not knowing what was going to happening or if we would even be getting to leave with a happy healthy little girl again.

I know Facebook updates were just that. Updates, they didn't say what was really going on in our minds. They didn't convey the fear that was not being said.  They didn't say just how bad everything was at first.  And looking back now, we can see why we had to try and be so strong.  Our baby girl was sicker than we could have ever imagined.  We had been to the doctor for croup Wednesday and Thursday.  Along with it she had a double ear infection.  Thursday night we had thought she was getting better but Friday morning when she woke up she was 'wheezy' off and on, we later learned it was called 'stridor'.  We both went back and forth as to if we should call the doctor again or if this was just part of the croup that needed to take its course.....She would start doing it and then all the sudden stop and just be sleeping for awhile.

At noon Dr. Wilson called on her administrative day (a day where the doctors take no patients and just work on paperwork.) She wanted to check in on Maci and make sure she was slowly getting better.  When I told her what was going on she quickly said she was going to go look at the schedule and call me back.  Not even 5 minutes later a nurse called to tell me that Dr. Wilson wanted us to come in at 2 and she wanted to be the one to see Maci.  From there I quickly went to run some errands and came back just before 1:30 to pick up Trav and Maci to head to Hutch. When I walked in the back door I could hear Maci having that 'stridor' sound as soon as I walked in the back door.  She was laying in the living room trying to sleep.  Clearly I knew right away she had gotten worse and was so thankful Dr. Wilson had called and made us go back in. Maci slept and struggled to catch her breath the whole way into the dr.  Once there we quickly got taken back to the doctor where Dr. Wilson said she had gotten worse and we needed to try some more Nebs with adrenaline as well as another steroid shot. We also did some xrays to make sure there was nothing else we were missing.

After the xrays she still wasn't better so yet again we tried another nebulizer which Dr. Wilson quickly decided still wasn't working.  It was then she looked us in the eye and said it was time to take us over to the ER and she would need to call Children's Hospital in the cities to take her there.  When I asked why she just said they had this helium oxygen mix that would help her better and  make her feel better faster.  What I didn't know til later, was that 'helium oxygen mix' was a to help her breath in general because her little lungs weren't getting enough.  I am so glad I didn't know this at the time.  I would have lost it right then and there....

Once in the ER, everything went pretty fast.  They took her temp which in just a matter of an hour had shot up to 103. They tried to start an IV and also did yet another neb treatment.  With all the poking Maci just laid still in my arms, not one cry. I was naive and thought they would just let us get in our car and drive up to Children's until they told me that no that wasn't the case.  We would have to be taken by ambulance.  I looked at Trav with panic and he assured me it was just for liability reasons.  When I asked to go with they said they weren't sure yet.  If they didn't need to do lights and sirens, then for sure.  If they decided she was too weak and needed the lights and sirens, it was up to the EMTs.  When the EMTS got there there was a lot of hushed tones and whispering...I don't know why they do that...as a mama who's scared I heard a good deal of it.  The one that stuck out the clearest was a nurse asking one of the ER doctors if mom was going with....his reply...."they need lights and sirens so I don't know.." From that point on my mind was kinda blank....I didn't want to cry because the angel in my arms needed to have comfort and me crying wouldn't have helped.

As they were poking Maci some more and I was frankly spacing out...the kind nurse looked up at me and said "Sounds like you are going with!" THANK YOU JESUS!! How on earth would I have put her in that bed and let them take off with our baby.  So in came the gurney and I climbed on up and laid Maci on my chest while they strapped us in nice and tight.  The doctors and nurses lined the hallway to wheel us out and gave us well wishes and squeezes and when we got to Dr. Wilson, with tears I said, "Thank you so much.....I dont' even know what else to say except thank you..." If she hadn't have called when she did, 911 would have had to been called.  She was a God send.  She was a miracle.

The 45 minute ride to the cites went fast...yes I said 45 minutes because we were flying.  What I didn't know til later was that my dear sweet poor husband had to pull over for us while driving to the cities.  I can't even imagine the terror and sadness and fear that he was feeling as he pulled over and thought "There goes my life...." literally..... In the ambulance Maci was put on a heart monitor as well as oxygen.  She didn't wake the whole time.....not once....not even over huge bumps in the road..

We arrived at the Children's ER and everything went even faster.  People in and out of our room.  IV put in....oxygen being brought in....whispers....nurses saying "Im so glad you are here.  You did the right thing...she is such a sick little girl..." All I could do was lay in the bed and hold tight to Maci and try to keep her calm and tell her it's ok baby girl it's ok....

From there we were taken to ICU where she was closely monitored all night.  Her oxygen saturation levels when she was first brought in were around 74....they are supposed to be in the upper 90s.  Yes she indeed was one sick little girl. I asked the ICU doctor if this was normal with croup and he said it happens, but this year Maci was only the 2nd one he had seen this sick from it.  He said we would for sure be there through the weekend.  We had one nurse all night....I didn't know til later that only the sickest of the sick got only one nurse.  I didn't know til later that the doctors weren't sure if they had to put a tube in her to help her breathe...I didn't know til later that the doctors didn't know if she would turn for the worse.....

That all was just Friday night.  The weekend went on from there and I could go on, but most of it after that I expressed on Facebook and this post would get way longer if I did.  Today I am feeling every emotion I told my body not to feel all weekend.  I called 2 different girlfriends to tell them the whole story because I couldn't send it all in their text messages they sent through the weekend.  And in the phone calls the tears started and then tonight as we were saying good night to our sweet angel and prayed over her, the tears finally full blown came.  That strength I had came from all of those that were praying over us....all of those that were checking in to make sure we were ok....it came from our loving Savior Jesus Christ who knew I needed it to get our family through it.  If you think He doesn't exist I have many examples of why He does.  Words don't do it justice when I say thank you to you all.  Those that I don't even really know well that were offering their help and their love...those that I have lost touch with that were texting and praying and offering their help.....we are overwhelmed by your love.  We are overwhelmed by your compassion.  We are just overwhelmed....

So this next week I'm going to enjoy our little girl that much more than I ever have.  I"m going to be savoring each moment in ways I never have.  Each moment is a gift.  Prayers work.  And there are still people in this world that care about you when you go through tough times.  Thank you isn't enough...and THANK YOU JESUS that this weekend is over.  We aren't well yet, but we are so much better than what we were......