Just a wife, mother, & child of God trying to figure out this thing called life. As a mom of 2 beautiful girls, I'm learning everyday holds some form of chaos, but it's all about finding the beauty in it. :)
I know our life is so hard right now and not at all what we dreamed it would be like when we first said I do. Back then we thought we'd be living this picture perfect life, the fairy tale kind. We would have a kid or 2 by now (which we do) and we would be living the American dream. Dinners as a family at the dining room table every night at 5:30......reading bedtime stories together to our little angels......both climbing into the same bed exhausted....and falling asleep knowing that all is right in the world because we are together.
But as we have learned over the course of our lives together that life isn't a fairy tale. And it doesn't always go how you dream it will. There are times when we aren't sure how we are going to make it...how we are going to hold it together and survive whatever storm we might be in. Times where the future isn't completely clear and we honestly have no idea where we are going to end up. Times of frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, uncertainty, fear, anxiety.....
And while I know there has been and will continue to be those dark times in our lives together here on this earth, I'm so extremely grateful and happy that when I look over I see you by my side. Because I know that no matter what gets thrown at us, that we will make it through. That our love will survive. And while this sounds corny and cheesy, I know it to be 100% true. With Christ at the center of our marriage, as long as we continue to look to Him for guidance in every circumstance, we will become stronger and a tighter unit through everything that life places in front of us.
And just because I don't say the words enough my handsome guy: You are kind. You are thoughtful. You are strong. You continue to amaze me with each passing minute. I am so thankful for each and everything you do no matter how tired you are to make sure my life is easier. The way you love our daughter is priceless and makes my heart soar. I feel completely safe whenever you are near. You provide for our family in more ways than you even know.....
The fact that you chose me to be your girl for the rest of our lives still makes me giddy with excitement. You are my guy and I will always continue to thank the sweet Lord for bringing you into my life. Thank you for being you. Remember that, no matter what my face and voice might say sometimes, these words are the truth of my heart and they my dear will never ever ever change...
Yesterday had been a day I had been dreading for a few weeks now. Not because I would turn another day older, I'm totally fine with that. Another year older means you've gotten a chance to put more life in your years and make more memories with loved ones. No I wasn't dreading it because of that, I was dreading it for a whole different reason. A reason that had nothing to do with my age or day of birth. It was a reason that really should have been celebrated and brought so much more joy to the day than usual...... Exactly one year ago yesterday, Travis and I made the official decision for him to take the job out in Canby.
While I remember that day being so full of joy and hope and excitement last year, this year had a much different feeling to it. Last year we were at Worship in the park with our church for the fall kick off. I remember listening to Pastor Paul talk about the plans for the next year and the excitement of what the year would bring. I remember singing along with the closing songs and having tears streaming down my face. So thankful that God brought this new journey into our path and at the same time feeling the sadness that that meant leaving our church home and friends we loved so dearly. I remember telling a close girlfriend that we had made our decision, and I remember barely being able to get the words out. But even though they were a little bit of sadness tears, they were mostly tears of excitement, joy, and hope. We were starting on a fresh new journey. A journey we were most certain God had put us on for a reason. But last year if you would have asked us if we would still be in this place. This place of so much still left undone.....a place were there is so much a uncertainty....a place were at times we feel it will never end....If you would have asked us if we would still have Maci and me in Litchfield while Trav was out in Canby our answer would have been "Oh gosh no!!" Much less have answer that I would be 5 months pregnant and still being a single parent during the week.
So as yesterday fast approached, even though it was my birthday, I dreaded it. I dreaded the thought of acknowledging that we have been here a year now. That not much has changed in our situation since last year at this time. That God didn't rush in and save us. That we still are living apart 5 out of 7 days a week....and sometimes 6 out of 7 days. Days that sometimes get ridiculously lonely. Days that hurt so bad that we want to scream. Days when we feel hopeless. And even some days where we look around and say "God where are you? Are you even still here?" Yes it has been one very hard year. And I will admit that yesterday, on my birthday, I did share some tears. And there were a few moments that I wanted to just take Maci and curl up in bed until the day had passed. But even though the devil tried to ruin my day completely with random mishaps, God had a different idea and used people that love our family to make it a good day instead.
And while this road has been ridiculously hard and I have my bad days, when I really sit here and reflect on the past year, I can't help but be thankful and full of gratitude to God. Because even though He hasn't 'swooped in' and made our prayers happen NOW, He has blessed us throughout the entire time. Even when we didn't feel Him around and had our moments when we played into the lie that He left us alone. And if you ask me when it's all over if I would want to take it back my answer would be absolutely not. Will I want to go through it again, again absolutely not. But I don't think I will ever want to take back a single moment and change it. God has blessed us so much through Travs job and using it to show us he is where he is supposed to be. I never knew he could be so stress free when it comes to his work. He loves what he does again and for that alone I'm thankful. Our marriage as a unit, even though we have had some really tough times, we have gotten closer and formed a tighter knot through it all. We cherished each moment he's home more and savor it. Not one minute when he is around on the weekends is ever taken for granted. Financially God has blessed us to make sure we haven't suffered past what we can handle. There have been bills we weren't sure how we would pay and God made something come through that we just couldn't explain any other way than Him. When Maci got sick, we firmly believe we were supposed to still be living where we are because we were that much closer to Children's, which was where she needed to be then. This baby girl in my tummy....she is a gift from Him in so many ways. And the list could go on.
So if you take away this past year and change it to be perfect timing in our eyes, we wouldn't have had to depend on God's strength so much rather than our own. When I think of the blessings we have had because of God waiting on His timing rather than doing it on our timing, the fact that we have been in the waiting room for a year now doesn't sound as bad. It doesn't make me want to scream as loud. The situation still stinks and we are still on our knees begging God to make it happen but we don't have to be bitter at God for it. He is still there and He always will be. Are you going through something hard?? Something that isn't happening in your timing and all you have is to sit and wait on God?? I'm here to say that even though there will be days you question if God is there, He is and always will be. All He is asking is for you to lay it down at His feet and just....be.....held.....
"Come to me all, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"
-Matthew 11:28
'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'
This is a conversation that happens daily in everyone's life. You see someone you know on the street, at the store, at church...wherever. You both smile and do the generic conversation. I say generic because let's be honest, how many of us truthfully answer that question? How many of smile and say we are fine when really we are weeping and screaming inside? And how many of us on the flip side ask the question hoping and expecting the person to just give the generic response? I'm fine, good, ok..... When we ask the questions are we being sincere about it? Or are we just asking because it has become the normal in our society?
Why do we do this to ourselves? When we don't admit to others that we are hurting it is only hurting ourselves more. It only does to more damage than good. The bible says that God works best in our weakness, therefore we should boast about our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9). So when we are weak, when we are hurting....why do we try so hard to conceal it? To try and make it seem like we are doing fine and good with whatever life is currently throwing at us? Instead of replying with the generic ok, fine, good; we need to starting saying honestly how we are doing. If we aren't doing fine or good, then we need to respond with: "Right now we are really struggling. This is isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Could you please pray for us?" Or if life is really good and wonderful say that and why you are so blessed in that moment.
And on the flip side, when we ask those words to others, "How are you?" we need to stop asking so scripted . We need to start asking with heart and compassion behind it. We need to start letting the person know we are truly asking because we care about them and want to know how we can help them. And if someone does respond with "I'm not ok....this isn't easy. I'm hurting..", we need to really listen and take action! Maybe it's stopping right then and there and praying over them. Maybe it's making a note and a point to pray over their family in our own quiet time. Maybe it's asking them to go out and have coffee. Maybe it's making it a point to go out of our way to make their day brighter. When they tell you of a need, help fill it. Help show them Jesus.
I struggle so hard with both sides of this. God is working on my heart hard the past few weeks telling me that it's ok and better to be weak, because in Him I am strong. Instead of telling everyone I'm doing fine, I need to start saying "You know this is really hard. I didn't think it would get this hard. I didn't expect to cry this much. I'm not as strong as I've been pretending to be." And on the flip side of that I too do the generic "how are you?' when I'm greeting someone because it's the thing to do. I need to start asking with more heart and compassion. I need to start really listening to people and help them in their time of need. Life is busy and it's hard. It's so easy to get caught up in our own circumstances that we forget to see the needs of those around us. But God calls us to rise up and be different than this world. (Romans 12:2)
With this I challenge each and every one of us to start seeing this question as more than a generic question. To start asking with the intention to really hear how the other is doing. And to start answering with truth and transparency. What do you think? Can we do it? I know with Christ we can and maybe....just MAYBE it will be one small change to our lives to start showing more of Jesus in this sad and broken world.....
Below is just a little Matt Redman to start your weekend off right :)
Last spring and summer I had this deep pit in my stomach. Not necessarily a bad pit but a very unsettled pit. A feeling that something was going to happen....that our lives would be changed in someway, shape or form. Trav had been talking about finding a new job for quite awhile but it was just that: a lot of talking. Until one day he let me know that he had decided to touch base with a recruiter to help him find exactly the job he was looking for. Not long after that everything got very real. Jobs were being discussed. Jobs that we had to decide if it was a good fit or not. Jobs that weren't in the area and that all required us to move away from Litchfield. I knew deep down that this wasn't just talk anymore. I knew a change was coming and I knew eventually Trav would be accepting a job; one that he would love.
I told Travis more than once I knew it would happen soon; I could feel it deep inside. You see that unsettled pit, in my mind, was the holy spirit's way of saying "Daughter it's coming and you need to prepare your heart. I'm going to bless your husband with some thing he has wanted for some time now." Little did I know, this little something would require a great deal of sacrifice and strength from me. Little did I know I would have to 'sign on' to being a single mommy 5, 6, sometimes even 7 days a week. But I knew above all else I loved and trusted my husband as well as Jesus with my life. I knew as long as they both were pointing the same direction that we would all be fine.
Here we are 7 months later. Some days are good and some days are bad but I'm still trusting Jesus with this crazy chaotic life and I know He is working it all out. But lately, I have been having that unsettled pit again. That feeling of something changing. That feeling of God preparing something behind the scenes for us. It's a strange feeling, one that I totally can't explain in words. Some nights I feel like we are visitors in our own house. Like we don't quite belong here anymore. Like our lives aren't here anymore. But even though I don't 100% know for certain that means our house is going to sell like ASAP, I am hearing that still small voice again. "Daughter it's coming and you need to prepare your heart...."
Maybe you have that still small voice inside of you that is making you feel unsettled. Whether it's an exciting unsettled feeling or a scary one, I promise you that God is behind the scenes working on it. It might take longer than you 'planned' for or it might be faster than you 'planned' for, but either way God's timing is perfect. And through it all He will be beside you holding you up when you need it.......
"The Lord says, 'I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer.
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.'"
-Pslam 91:14-16
Someone shared this song on Facebook earlier today and I am now in love. He will never fail...
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work in you SO THAT you may be mature and complete not lacking anything."
-James 1: 2-4
Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials. Pure joy? How on earth can we look at any and all trials and take joy in them? How can we go through something that makes our hearts heavy and consider it joy? And why on earth would God ever want that from us? Does He take delight in seeing us suffer? Of course not so why, WHY should we consider it joy? This verse alone has so much depth to it and honestly it has been one that has helped me get through these past several months. But I don't think I fully grasped all it truly had to offer me until this very week.
For the past month now I have been working through the book, "Living So That" by Wendy Blight with Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies. It is an incredible book and one I hope you will read one day. This week the topic is: Trials Come So That. Every week we have a memory verse to go along with the study, one that includes a SO THAT. And my mouth dropped open when I saw that this week James 1:2-4 was our memory verse. I have come to hold that verse so close to my heart for the past 6 months or so. And I have no doubts in my mind that I was meant to be pouring my heart over that verse every day this very week. You see, we are coming up on 7 months of our family living apart. 7 months!!! I could have never imagined we would still be in the place we are in. I would have never imagined God would decide to make us live with our 'trial' for 7 long tiring months. And these past couple of weeks I honestly thought He would show up and let everything just fall into place. That we would be moved and living our happily ever after again. But here we are, no offer on our house and still living in 2 separate places. And as much faith as I still have that our house will be sold soon, this week has been a hard one.
Honestly I've been trying to stay upbeat and super optimistic for the past several weeks now. I've been trying not to say "if" anymore but "when". I've been packing up our belongs and getting into the mindset that soon we will be saying good-bye to our loved ones here in Litch and we will be on our way to start our new life. But this week, man it's been tough. I kept trying to consider it pure joy but then yesterday, I just couldn't anymore. I was down in the dumps and just plain sad. My heart hurt and I thought "God I can't keep being happy about this. I can't say "when" today God." So Maci and I loaded up in the car and headed out to meet the hubby for supper halfway. And when we had to leave, Trav and I both looked at each other and without saying a word we could look into each other eyes and see how much it hurt to be saying goodbye. That's not considering it pure joy now is it?
Then this morning I opened up that sweet book I've been reading and it had me read the story of Lazarus. (John 11:1-45) And then God blessed me with a new outlook. You see Martha and Mary asked Jesus to show up and save their brother. They asked Him to come and heal him so He wouldn't die. But instead Jesus waited...He waited until it was too late in Martha and Mary's eyes. Because by the time Jesus did come, Lazarus had been dead a few days already. Martha and Mary of course were beside themselves. Their brother died and Jesus didn't come like they asked. When Jesus saw how upset they were do you know what He did? He wept with them. He cried with them. Why? Because He LOVED them and didn't want to see them hurting. He knew the outcome but He still didn't like seeing their hearts hurt. In verse 40 Jesus says, "Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?" And with that He asked Lazarus to come out. Can you imagine Martha and Mary's faces?? They thought it was too late!! They thought they would never see their brother alive again! And there he was in front of them, Jesus had rose him from the dead. You see Martha and Mary thought it was over. Probably also that Jesus had forgotten about them and left them there to suffer. But instead Jesus did more than they could have imagined and because of that all those onlookers who were watching came to be followers of Jesus.
"....the trials and sufferings that enter into our lives come to bring about the glory of God and to point others to Him."
We can learn so much about trials and sufferings from this story. We must consider it pure joy because we know that God is always going to win, He is always going to be there for us, and glory and honor will always come to Him through it. But that doesn't mean it won't be hard. It doesn't mean we can't weep sometimes. It doesn't mean we can never let God see how much it hurts because friend, He sees in our hearts how much it hurts and He weeps with us. But let's not forget what's on the other side. Let's never forget that in the end God will get glory from it. Through our sufferings we will bring others to Christ. God will use our trials and through us others will be able to get through whatever they are also going through. God is at work during our sufferings, maybe behind the scenes but He is at work so that all glory and honor will be His.
Going against the grain isn't normal. It isn't our natural instincts. It's hard and sometimes painful. The bottom line is it screams that we are different. We aren't going with the crowd. Aren't doing what the 'cool' thing is. Think back to high school and you will remember quite clearly who was 'going against the grain'. You will clearly remember those that were different. They weren't like everyone else. Sadly, more than likely, they were probably mocked and made fun of at one time or another. They didn't blend in. Those that blended in went with the tides. Went along with the rest of the crowd. It didn't mean they agreed with everyone else, it just meant they didn't want to stand out. They didn't want to be different.
Life as an adult hasn't changed much. We are so quick to try and blend in with the customs of the world and the way they all think life should be done. We are afraid to offend anyone. Always have to be politically correct because even if it goes against our beliefs it doesn't matter if it will hurt someone else. And of course that's true to a point, to a point. But Jesus, a man who we will celebrate this week for dying for us all, He didn't ask us to blend in. He didn't want us to be so afraid to offend someone that we don't spread His word. He wants us to shine and stand outbold and proud of who we are in Him.
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is goodand pleasing and PERFECT."
-Romans 12:2 NLT
God reminded me of this verse and convicted me tonight. This winter, I felt Him tugging at my heart to go out and pray over our for sale sign. It was -20 some below out and I said, "You have GOT to be kidding right? No way!" So I didn't....I went on with my life and left it alone. Just recently the thought came into my head as well as a dear family friend suggesting we start walking around our house praying over it. So this time I said "Ok God....I'll listen." The first day I did it Trav was standing next to me and I felt comfortable doing it. I felt strong and secure doing it. Confident. Tonight though....oh tonight I am all by my lonesome.....and let me tell you friends, I truly felt alone. Suddenly I felt like our whole neighborhood was staring out there window at the crazy lady standing with her hand on her for sale sign with her eyes closed. I felt awkward and like they were all judging who I am. I will tell you right now, I felt like I should be kneeling outside praying and I didn't. Not too long after I had started at the sign I quickly decided to just start walking around the house. And I still felt judged and watched. I felt different than everyone else. I felt like the uncool kid in school. Now let's be honest, were all my neighbors staring out their window? Probably not. Were they all thinking how crazy I was? Probably not. But even if they were why should I care? It clearly states in Romans 12:2 that we shouldn't be like this world because friends we aren't of this world. Our home and world is with Jesus in heaven. We need to stop worrying about what the world is seeing and start thinking about what GOD is seeing. It is so. dang. hard. I know it trust me I do. But I also tell you what friends I pray, I pray to God, that someday...some day soon...I will be so confident in who I am in Christ and be kneeling outside in front of our house with arms raised praising Jesus and begging Him to sell our house. I pray I find strength in the fact that what HE sees is all that matters. I pray that if my neighbors happen to look out while I am out there that they will want to come ask me what the heck I am doing so I can have the opportunity to speak the sweet word of Jesus to them and tell them who He is. Because I am not only out there praying for our house, I am out there praying for our neighborhood that God will bless it fully and richly.
Let's stop going with the tide and start going against the grain. Trust me it feels weird and hard at first....but with time I trust that Jesus will change my heart to see that HIS opinion is the only one that matters as long as I am obeying what He asks. And with that I say: Are YOU up to the challenge?
Our life has been one big ole' mess this past month. Not only have we been doing the whole living apart, praying for a miracle for us to be a family under one roof again. But we also had our first downright scary health scare with our baby girl. It made the stress level of our lives skyrocket. Trav and I both should have been having nervous breakdowns daily. And in fact, we could have started questioning how much our Savior really loves us. We could have started asking why on earth He would ever let this all happen. We could have started wondering if He really is there for us daily and if He really is having our best interests in mind. Our faith could have met an impasse, and we could have turned our backs on Him. We could have gotten angry. So angry we decided to leave Him behind and do our own thing. It's the easy solution to do really. To blame Him for it all. Because let's be honest, in today's world, we are always looking for someone to blame. But instead we chose to stick by Him. To lean on Him and to trust Him to get us through it. Why?? Why would we do it when most of the world says you need the easy way and not the God way?
As of Tuesday we will have been on our current journey for exactly 6 months. Half of a year. 180 some days of Trav living in a small hotel room out in Canby and us leaving here in Litchfield until our house sells. 180 some days of being a single parent Monday through Friday. 180 some days of sleeping in an big empty bed. Come on over for a cup of coffee sometime and I will tell you how lonely we both get. I will tell you about the days I want to cry. I will tell you about the days I lost my patience with Maci far too soon because I'm just sick of our situation. I will tell you how badly I want this season to be over for us. Especially the past month when we are going through something as a family that we shouldn't have to go through. A time when our family should be closer than ever and together far more often than normal because our baby girl was sick. I could tell you all about the negatives. The negative list of what we have been going through the past 6 months far out weighs the positives at the moment. But if you come over for some coffee, after I cry on your shoulder for a little while....I will look up at you and tell you about all the ways we have experienced God in the past 6 months. I will tell you all about the ways, big and little, we have seen God's fingerprints. I will tell you all about how much more we as a family lean on Him more than we ever have. I will tell you all about how much stronger I am because of what He is doing in our lives. 6 long months ago, if you would have told me this journey would have taken this long...I would have told you I don't have the strength. But here we are, and I have gotten through things I never thought I would be able to. But all the thanks and glory goes to God. Doesn't mean I don't have days where all I do is cry....doesn't mean I don't have days where me and God aren't on speaking terms...doesn't mean I don't have days where I yell at God and ask Him why...because I do have those days. And I know God is strong enough to take them. Any relationship has their good and bad days....but at the end of it all He is still the one I run to. I can't do anything without His loving arms there to guide me.
I leave you with this one thought to ponder. It was in my daily devotional and really made me think and have a wow moment. Maybe...just maybe...it will do the same for you:
"If nothing frightening ever happened, how could the assurance of God's constant presence be the quieter of our fears."
