When God speaks on your date...

Looking at the calendar I can't believe tomorrow is April. March has completely flown by and I don't even really know where it went.  I take that back, I do know where it went.  The past 2 weeks have been utter chaos from our usual chaos.  With Maci in and out of the hospital, that's where March went.  And I will be quick to admit that I am so ready to bid goodbye to March and hello to April.....

This weekend however my man and I got a rare outing with each other.  We honestly couldn't even remember the last time we got to go out on a date and just enjoy one another.  It was something both of our hearts and souls were yearning for.  I was like a giddy little school girl going on her first date.  Going out with that man still brings my heart far more joy and happiness than I could ever imagine.  And with the weight of everything we've had to deal with over the past several months, including Maci's illness and living apart, it was far more needed than either of us could imagine.

First up on the agenda, going to a movie.  Usually it's dinner and then a movie.  But we decided to take advantage of matinee pricing and do it the other way around.  And boy am I glad we did.  The movie we went to had so much awesomeness in it, we needed dinner to talk about it all.  Can you guess what we went to? If you guessed "God's NOT dead" then you would be right.  And frankly I can't even describe into words how that movie made me feel.  I laughed, I cried, I got angry.  Every single emotion our minds have I felt at one point in those 2 hours.  If you haven't seen it, you really need to run and I mean run to grab a friend and head to the theater to see it.

Now there were lots and lots of profound things said during the whole movie.  And I would bet that every single person who walks out of the theater afterwards will have 1 moment that they felt God was talking to them during it.  That's just how awesome it was.  I too of course had one of those moments....

As most of you know, Trav and I are currently living apart during the week.. until our house sells.  It sucks, its hard, it brings lots of challenges and tears. And frankly the last 2 weeks have been the hardest.  Sure the world can tell us there are easy fixes to our problem.  The biggest one being we need to rent out our current house and just move.  And our response to that has always been, "We just aren't there yet.  We wholeheartedly believe we are on God's path and that's not what He wants for us." And a lot of the time we get strange looks.  Or the looks of disagreement.  Or the looks of puzzlement.  And you know what? That's ok with us because we answer to God not man.  God has our best interests in mind and until we hear differently from Him, we need to follow the crazy life He has for us.  We've believed in this plan for almost exactly 6 months now, and God used this movie to reaffirm everything for us.

At one point the missionary said to the pastor, "We've spent our WHOLE lives talking about faith, now let's start SHOWING our faith". We can say all we want we have faith God will provide for us, that He will take care of us..ect.  But the real question is, how often do we show the world we have faith? How often do we get the chance to show our faith in a big way? How often do we have to blindly go down a path and have no idea where the path will end or WHEN it will end? The hardest time to continue to have faith in what God wants for us is when the rest of the world sees an easier path.  And just because it's easier doesn't always mean it's the right way.  And right now, in this moment, God is telling us to wait on Him, and show our faith by knowing without a doubt that our house will sell.  By the end of the summer we will be together as a family again.  If I don't 100% believe that than I'm not living out my faith.

Is there a part of your life where God is asking you to show the world your faith? How much you are fully relying on Him to take care of it and trusting Him with it? If there is, let me know so I can pray with you and for you in it.  And in return continue to pray for our family.  That God will move in a big way and we will give Him the glory.

"Faith expects from God what is beyond expectation" 

-Andrew Murray

"Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, 'Why could we not drive it out?' And He said to them, 'Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; nothing will be impossible to you'".

-Matthew 17:19-20

Will you join me?

For the past week I have been surrounded by family, and doctors and nurses.  So when my parents left yesterday afternoon I didn't expect to feel so...well lonely.  I didn't expect the ache that would come and settle in.  I should be used to it just being Maci and I during the week. I mean, we've been doing it since October when Trav first got his job out in Canby.  But instead of jumping back into our regular routine, we can't...Maci still needs to get better and not be out and about where tons of people are.  So doing our usual stuff is out of the question.  No heading to the store to grab a quick few things, no heading to a friends house where there are children, no going out to eat.  None of that until next week sometime.  Thankfully tonight a dear sweet friend of mine is coming over to help ease the loneliness a little and tomorrow we get our hubby and daddy back for the weekend.  And after all that happened this past weekend it got me thinking about our world today and how little we really know about what is inside of peoples hearts and minds.

Between Twitter and Facebook and Instagram...we feel like we really know people.  We feel as though we know what is going on in their lives.  We take all of those social media sites and use them to get our information and then when we don't see someone post anything or aren't on facebook for awhile we seem to forget about them.  And when we do see postings we sometimes assume that they are ok no matter what they are going through.  Somewhere along the road we forgot what Facebook is and where the line is.  We don't text or call people as much sometimes to check in on them because we think "Well I saw they posted on Facebook that they were doing this or this and so they must be ok". Or we feel like we did talk to them even though we didn't.  We need to start taking Facebook and Twitter and Instagram for what they really are.  Fun sites to share fun things we are doing in our lives or to get the world out about a prayer request but we cannot forget one of the reasons God gave us each other. To connect, to talk, to form real relationships.  Relationships need to go beyond the internet.  We need to start taking the extra time to give that person a call or a text.  Because the fact of the matter is, not everyone shares their real raw emotions on Facebook....not every one says on Facebook how they are really truly feeling inside.  Not everyone on Facebook shares their fears and how hard it is.

In today's world we have so much technology to reach out besides our social media.  Little ways that we can let someone know on a personal level that we are thinking about them.  That we can try to connect in a real way and find out the real story of how they are.  One way that is so obvious.....one way that technology has advanced that we can pretty much get a hold of anyone anywhere no matter if we are at home cleaning or down in Texas on vacation. OUR CELL PHONES.  Let's be honest people, we all have them and most of us also have texting.  It doesn't take much to send a quick text to say "I'm thinking about you and praying you are ok." It doesn't take long to say "How are you really? Are you ok?" It doesn't take much or long to say "I just want to let you know I care about you".  We need to stop relying on social media so much to find out how people are.  We need to start having real connections again.  We need to stop getting so caught up in our own lives that we only rely on finding out how people are when we turn on our computer.

Facebook is good for so many things.....to share fun photos......to ask for prayer requests to the masses when we need them....to get advice (sometimes with caution on this one)......but we need to remember our relationships NEED to go beyond the screen.  We need to stop relying on it to find out how our friends are because we are so busy with our own lives. Or because we think they are too busy and we don't want to bug them.  With a text, if they are busy they will get back to us when they aren't but my philosophy as always been at least then they know I care and was thinking about them at that time.

On the flip side of it I am still so thankful for Facebook this past weekend because it got us to have so many praying for our family.  It got people to know that might not otherwise have known we needed the prayers or those that we really don't get to have contact with much.  It got updates out to many who otherwise wouldn't have got updates.  But on the flip side of that.....I am also so so so thankful for those that reached out on a personal level.  Those that called, those that sent a few texts throughout the weekend just to check in on us and make sure we were ok....and even those that sent private messages. So today and every day I want you to take the challenge with me.  To try to reach out to someone every day....every other day....and find out how they are REALLY doing beyond Facebook.  I know there are so many people out there who are struggling with something and aren't broadcasting it on Facebook.  I know there are people out there wanting to hear a friend say "How are you really?" Or who just want to know a friend cares about them enough to shoot a text or a call.

Let's start a revival of relationships....let's get back to how we communicated before social media.....

Nightmare come true..

Where do I even begin? The last 72 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I am just now today beginning to filter through everything my mind didn't let me feel until now.  Every emotion I should have been feeling this weekend....fear, sadness, heartache....all of it, I didn't completely feel until we were walking out of the hospital this morning waving good bye to all the nurses.  I didn't completely feel it until I was holding my baby girl as we walked toward the car and see her face light up which I hadn't seen in so long.  We were getting to go home when just 60 some hours before we were arriving not knowing what was going to happening or if we would even be getting to leave with a happy healthy little girl again.

I know Facebook updates were just that. Updates, they didn't say what was really going on in our minds. They didn't convey the fear that was not being said.  They didn't say just how bad everything was at first.  And looking back now, we can see why we had to try and be so strong.  Our baby girl was sicker than we could have ever imagined.  We had been to the doctor for croup Wednesday and Thursday.  Along with it she had a double ear infection.  Thursday night we had thought she was getting better but Friday morning when she woke up she was 'wheezy' off and on, we later learned it was called 'stridor'.  We both went back and forth as to if we should call the doctor again or if this was just part of the croup that needed to take its course.....She would start doing it and then all the sudden stop and just be sleeping for awhile.

At noon Dr. Wilson called on her administrative day (a day where the doctors take no patients and just work on paperwork.) She wanted to check in on Maci and make sure she was slowly getting better.  When I told her what was going on she quickly said she was going to go look at the schedule and call me back.  Not even 5 minutes later a nurse called to tell me that Dr. Wilson wanted us to come in at 2 and she wanted to be the one to see Maci.  From there I quickly went to run some errands and came back just before 1:30 to pick up Trav and Maci to head to Hutch. When I walked in the back door I could hear Maci having that 'stridor' sound as soon as I walked in the back door.  She was laying in the living room trying to sleep.  Clearly I knew right away she had gotten worse and was so thankful Dr. Wilson had called and made us go back in. Maci slept and struggled to catch her breath the whole way into the dr.  Once there we quickly got taken back to the doctor where Dr. Wilson said she had gotten worse and we needed to try some more Nebs with adrenaline as well as another steroid shot. We also did some xrays to make sure there was nothing else we were missing.

After the xrays she still wasn't better so yet again we tried another nebulizer which Dr. Wilson quickly decided still wasn't working.  It was then she looked us in the eye and said it was time to take us over to the ER and she would need to call Children's Hospital in the cities to take her there.  When I asked why she just said they had this helium oxygen mix that would help her better and  make her feel better faster.  What I didn't know til later, was that 'helium oxygen mix' was a to help her breath in general because her little lungs weren't getting enough.  I am so glad I didn't know this at the time.  I would have lost it right then and there....

Once in the ER, everything went pretty fast.  They took her temp which in just a matter of an hour had shot up to 103. They tried to start an IV and also did yet another neb treatment.  With all the poking Maci just laid still in my arms, not one cry. I was naive and thought they would just let us get in our car and drive up to Children's until they told me that no that wasn't the case.  We would have to be taken by ambulance.  I looked at Trav with panic and he assured me it was just for liability reasons.  When I asked to go with they said they weren't sure yet.  If they didn't need to do lights and sirens, then for sure.  If they decided she was too weak and needed the lights and sirens, it was up to the EMTs.  When the EMTS got there there was a lot of hushed tones and whispering...I don't know why they do that...as a mama who's scared I heard a good deal of it.  The one that stuck out the clearest was a nurse asking one of the ER doctors if mom was going with....his reply...."they need lights and sirens so I don't know.." From that point on my mind was kinda blank....I didn't want to cry because the angel in my arms needed to have comfort and me crying wouldn't have helped.

As they were poking Maci some more and I was frankly spacing out...the kind nurse looked up at me and said "Sounds like you are going with!" THANK YOU JESUS!! How on earth would I have put her in that bed and let them take off with our baby.  So in came the gurney and I climbed on up and laid Maci on my chest while they strapped us in nice and tight.  The doctors and nurses lined the hallway to wheel us out and gave us well wishes and squeezes and when we got to Dr. Wilson, with tears I said, "Thank you so much.....I dont' even know what else to say except thank you..." If she hadn't have called when she did, 911 would have had to been called.  She was a God send.  She was a miracle.

The 45 minute ride to the cites went fast...yes I said 45 minutes because we were flying.  What I didn't know til later was that my dear sweet poor husband had to pull over for us while driving to the cities.  I can't even imagine the terror and sadness and fear that he was feeling as he pulled over and thought "There goes my life...." literally..... In the ambulance Maci was put on a heart monitor as well as oxygen.  She didn't wake the whole time.....not once....not even over huge bumps in the road..

We arrived at the Children's ER and everything went even faster.  People in and out of our room.  IV put in....oxygen being brought in....whispers....nurses saying "Im so glad you are here.  You did the right thing...she is such a sick little girl..." All I could do was lay in the bed and hold tight to Maci and try to keep her calm and tell her it's ok baby girl it's ok....

From there we were taken to ICU where she was closely monitored all night.  Her oxygen saturation levels when she was first brought in were around 74....they are supposed to be in the upper 90s.  Yes she indeed was one sick little girl. I asked the ICU doctor if this was normal with croup and he said it happens, but this year Maci was only the 2nd one he had seen this sick from it.  He said we would for sure be there through the weekend.  We had one nurse all night....I didn't know til later that only the sickest of the sick got only one nurse.  I didn't know til later that the doctors weren't sure if they had to put a tube in her to help her breathe...I didn't know til later that the doctors didn't know if she would turn for the worse.....

That all was just Friday night.  The weekend went on from there and I could go on, but most of it after that I expressed on Facebook and this post would get way longer if I did.  Today I am feeling every emotion I told my body not to feel all weekend.  I called 2 different girlfriends to tell them the whole story because I couldn't send it all in their text messages they sent through the weekend.  And in the phone calls the tears started and then tonight as we were saying good night to our sweet angel and prayed over her, the tears finally full blown came.  That strength I had came from all of those that were praying over us....all of those that were checking in to make sure we were ok....it came from our loving Savior Jesus Christ who knew I needed it to get our family through it.  If you think He doesn't exist I have many examples of why He does.  Words don't do it justice when I say thank you to you all.  Those that I don't even really know well that were offering their help and their love...those that I have lost touch with that were texting and praying and offering their help.....we are overwhelmed by your love.  We are overwhelmed by your compassion.  We are just overwhelmed....

So this next week I'm going to enjoy our little girl that much more than I ever have.  I"m going to be savoring each moment in ways I never have.  Each moment is a gift.  Prayers work.  And there are still people in this world that care about you when you go through tough times.  Thank you isn't enough...and THANK YOU JESUS that this weekend is over.  We aren't well yet, but we are so much better than what we were......

In the waiting room...

It's been 5 months.  5 months since our family started out on a long journey.  5 months of sleeping in separate beds.  5 months of eating dinner apart instead of as a family together at the table.  5 months of putting miles and miles on our Pontiac Grand Am.  5 months of buying two separate grocery lists. 5 months of paying for a hotel so my husband has a place to lay his head at night.  5 months of Maci asking for daddy every day and me having to say we will see him Friday.  5 months of what feels like us living 2 completely different lives.

It's honestly hard to believe this all started 5 months ago. While at times it has been way longer than that, there are also times where I wonder where the heck the past 5 months have gone.  We've shared days of heartache and tears, but we've also shared days of excitement and joy.  At the very beginning there were many many days when I asked God why.  Why couldn't He move mountains right away. Why was He making us wait for so long. Why did it feel like I was so alone some days.....

Yet in the past several weeks, God has given me glimpses of the answers to those questions.  And while we don't see a for sure end date in sight for this road we are on, we have been given some clear signs that we are still on the right path.  That we are still listening to God.  That even though there are some solutions we could do right now to make it all end, we are still doing what God called us to do in the very beginning.  Yesterday was just one example of how God shows us that.

For those that don't know we went house hunting this past weekend.  It was a day full of excitement but yet also a time of flat out nerves  We were going to see the areas that we would be making a new life in.  An area where our kids would go to school and made their presence known in this world.  A place where they would start to leave their mark on this world.  We saw many houses, and at the end of the day, we could clearly see the life God is preparing for us out there.  We started focusing on one area in particular out there and so we started our research.  And of course at the top of the list was seeing what church options were out there.  Most of the area is saturated with Lutheran and Catholic churches, but Travis happened to find a baptist church out there with a new pastor that was around our age and have a baby maybe a little younger than Maci.  I then went to our pastors to see what if anything they knew about the church.  Prior to this I had been praying God would show us we were in the right direction.  That wanting this area was the right way.  And when they emailed me back I got an answer.  The new pastor at the church we were looking at was the son of a previous interim pastor at Cornerstone before Pastor Paul.  I sat there and just said "Wow God.  What are the chances that someone from small town Litchfield would have a connection to someone out there..seriously what are the chances?"

Then later on that day I got a sweet message from a friend from church letting me know she had been thinking of us that day and gave me 2 verses.  One of which was Mark 11:24:

"I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it will be yours"

I'm not just boldly praying that our house sells anymore.  I am BELIEVING that it has sold. I am thanking God for it before it even happens....

There are days when we feel like God has forgotten about us...days when we feel so alone....days when we feel like it will never happen.  But then there are days when God shows up and wraps His loving arms around us and says, "Child I am here.  I love you and am taking care of it.  Just believe.  Just believe...."

We are not alone in the waiting room.  We are not the only family praying for this season in our lives to end.  We are not alone when some days we  are so discouraged. There are more of you out there and I pray that this gives you hope.  Hope that even though there are bad days, there WILL BE  good days.  Days when you can just dance and scream about how amazing our Savior is.  Have faith, believe. God hears you, He sees you, He LOVES you.  There is a reason He is making you wait.  More than likely He is teaching you to trust Him more than you ever thought possible.  This season, this 'winter' will end for you.  I promise friends.  It won't last forever