Just a wife, mother, & child of God trying to figure out this thing called life. As a mom of 2 beautiful girls, I'm learning everyday holds some form of chaos, but it's all about finding the beauty in it. :)
I know our life is so hard right now and not at all what we dreamed it would be like when we first said I do. Back then we thought we'd be living this picture perfect life, the fairy tale kind. We would have a kid or 2 by now (which we do) and we would be living the American dream. Dinners as a family at the dining room table every night at 5:30......reading bedtime stories together to our little angels......both climbing into the same bed exhausted....and falling asleep knowing that all is right in the world because we are together.
But as we have learned over the course of our lives together that life isn't a fairy tale. And it doesn't always go how you dream it will. There are times when we aren't sure how we are going to make it...how we are going to hold it together and survive whatever storm we might be in. Times where the future isn't completely clear and we honestly have no idea where we are going to end up. Times of frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, uncertainty, fear, anxiety.....
And while I know there has been and will continue to be those dark times in our lives together here on this earth, I'm so extremely grateful and happy that when I look over I see you by my side. Because I know that no matter what gets thrown at us, that we will make it through. That our love will survive. And while this sounds corny and cheesy, I know it to be 100% true. With Christ at the center of our marriage, as long as we continue to look to Him for guidance in every circumstance, we will become stronger and a tighter unit through everything that life places in front of us.
And just because I don't say the words enough my handsome guy: You are kind. You are thoughtful. You are strong. You continue to amaze me with each passing minute. I am so thankful for each and everything you do no matter how tired you are to make sure my life is easier. The way you love our daughter is priceless and makes my heart soar. I feel completely safe whenever you are near. You provide for our family in more ways than you even know.....
The fact that you chose me to be your girl for the rest of our lives still makes me giddy with excitement. You are my guy and I will always continue to thank the sweet Lord for bringing you into my life. Thank you for being you. Remember that, no matter what my face and voice might say sometimes, these words are the truth of my heart and they my dear will never ever ever change...
Yesterday had been a day I had been dreading for a few weeks now. Not because I would turn another day older, I'm totally fine with that. Another year older means you've gotten a chance to put more life in your years and make more memories with loved ones. No I wasn't dreading it because of that, I was dreading it for a whole different reason. A reason that had nothing to do with my age or day of birth. It was a reason that really should have been celebrated and brought so much more joy to the day than usual...... Exactly one year ago yesterday, Travis and I made the official decision for him to take the job out in Canby.
While I remember that day being so full of joy and hope and excitement last year, this year had a much different feeling to it. Last year we were at Worship in the park with our church for the fall kick off. I remember listening to Pastor Paul talk about the plans for the next year and the excitement of what the year would bring. I remember singing along with the closing songs and having tears streaming down my face. So thankful that God brought this new journey into our path and at the same time feeling the sadness that that meant leaving our church home and friends we loved so dearly. I remember telling a close girlfriend that we had made our decision, and I remember barely being able to get the words out. But even though they were a little bit of sadness tears, they were mostly tears of excitement, joy, and hope. We were starting on a fresh new journey. A journey we were most certain God had put us on for a reason. But last year if you would have asked us if we would still be in this place. This place of so much still left undone.....a place were there is so much a uncertainty....a place were at times we feel it will never end....If you would have asked us if we would still have Maci and me in Litchfield while Trav was out in Canby our answer would have been "Oh gosh no!!" Much less have answer that I would be 5 months pregnant and still being a single parent during the week.
So as yesterday fast approached, even though it was my birthday, I dreaded it. I dreaded the thought of acknowledging that we have been here a year now. That not much has changed in our situation since last year at this time. That God didn't rush in and save us. That we still are living apart 5 out of 7 days a week....and sometimes 6 out of 7 days. Days that sometimes get ridiculously lonely. Days that hurt so bad that we want to scream. Days when we feel hopeless. And even some days where we look around and say "God where are you? Are you even still here?" Yes it has been one very hard year. And I will admit that yesterday, on my birthday, I did share some tears. And there were a few moments that I wanted to just take Maci and curl up in bed until the day had passed. But even though the devil tried to ruin my day completely with random mishaps, God had a different idea and used people that love our family to make it a good day instead.
And while this road has been ridiculously hard and I have my bad days, when I really sit here and reflect on the past year, I can't help but be thankful and full of gratitude to God. Because even though He hasn't 'swooped in' and made our prayers happen NOW, He has blessed us throughout the entire time. Even when we didn't feel Him around and had our moments when we played into the lie that He left us alone. And if you ask me when it's all over if I would want to take it back my answer would be absolutely not. Will I want to go through it again, again absolutely not. But I don't think I will ever want to take back a single moment and change it. God has blessed us so much through Travs job and using it to show us he is where he is supposed to be. I never knew he could be so stress free when it comes to his work. He loves what he does again and for that alone I'm thankful. Our marriage as a unit, even though we have had some really tough times, we have gotten closer and formed a tighter knot through it all. We cherished each moment he's home more and savor it. Not one minute when he is around on the weekends is ever taken for granted. Financially God has blessed us to make sure we haven't suffered past what we can handle. There have been bills we weren't sure how we would pay and God made something come through that we just couldn't explain any other way than Him. When Maci got sick, we firmly believe we were supposed to still be living where we are because we were that much closer to Children's, which was where she needed to be then. This baby girl in my tummy....she is a gift from Him in so many ways. And the list could go on.
So if you take away this past year and change it to be perfect timing in our eyes, we wouldn't have had to depend on God's strength so much rather than our own. When I think of the blessings we have had because of God waiting on His timing rather than doing it on our timing, the fact that we have been in the waiting room for a year now doesn't sound as bad. It doesn't make me want to scream as loud. The situation still stinks and we are still on our knees begging God to make it happen but we don't have to be bitter at God for it. He is still there and He always will be. Are you going through something hard?? Something that isn't happening in your timing and all you have is to sit and wait on God?? I'm here to say that even though there will be days you question if God is there, He is and always will be. All He is asking is for you to lay it down at His feet and just....be.....held.....
"Come to me all, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"
-Matthew 11:28
'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'
