Fall. Cozy sweaters. Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Fires. Leggings with boots. Colorful leaves emerging on the trees. There is so much to love about Fall and yet, in our family it seems, it’s a season to be dreaded. Bad things happen in the fall for us. Changes that aren’t as colorful and bright as the leaves happen. It’s safe to say that for quite a few Septembers now, our family as a whole, would rather pull the covers over our heads and sleep right on through til winter. And this season, is no different.
Between strained relationships and yet another new medical diagnosis for my sweet sister, it’s been an emotional one. It’s safe to say I’m 90% of the time the strong one. Trying to hold everyone up while they fall apart. Keeping my vulnerability tucked away so that very few people get to see it. And yet this season seems to be a little different. Just a few weeks ago my husband and I had a very raw, real conversation on where my heart was. I remember his face as he sat there and listened to me pour out my heart to him about how I can’t keep being the strong one. How I am down to nothing left to give and I don’t know how to get back up. I don’t know how to silence the lies of the enemy that seem to be screaming in my face. I cried as he held me close. Our marriage has always been me keeping it all positive and together, but we had finally hit the point where I was just down to the weakest part of my heart.
As seasoned Christians I think it’s so easy for us to get sucked into the perception that because we love and trust God that means that we somehow have to always have it together. That because God asks us to have joy in all situations, that we must somehow always be put together and okay no matter what comes our way. We throw out the usual bible verses about how God works all things together for the good and how if God is for us who can be against us so what do we have to fear? We seem to think that not being okay is just not an option for us. And yet friends, this season of change, God has been speaking it into my heart loud and clear that this is just not true. That just because we are children of God does not mean that we can never be vulnerable. In fact it means just the opposite.
Because we are daughters of the one true King, we have an obligation to be just as vulnerable, open, raw, and honest about all the hard things we are facing. We need to let the world see that being a Christian doesn’t mean always having it all together. That it’s okay to not be okay. But in the raw and real vulnerability that we can still love and trust God with everything we have. We need to show the world that even though our hearts are breaking and we don’t see God’s plan in all this, that that doesn’t mean we are turning away from Him. It doesn’t mean we don’t love Him. It doesn’t mean we don’t trust Him. It just means we are human and have the same struggles and heartbreaks that everyone else has.
When we read through the book of Psalms we see this theme over and over again. We see the raw emotions and struggles of a man who loves God. We see the anger and questions of where is God in all this, and yet it doesn’t take very many verses later when we see how much He still loves God and worships Him. As long as we don’t let the pain and struggle of something consume us, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to struggle with questions of where God is. It’s okay to be angry about the situation and voice that to Him in prayer. As long as we know deep in the depths of our souls how much He loves us and how He is never going to leave us, it’s okay to be real, raw, and vulnerable. It’s okay to not have strength to keep it all together all of the time. There is so much hope and freedom in realizing this. When we let go of the conception that we have to keep our vulnerability tucked away, we are free to really feel and share our stories with others. And those are the stories that bring life and hope to others who are struggling with the same situations. We show others that our hearts will be broken, but that that is where God meets us. And friends, we know that wherever God meets us, is where the really good stuff begins....
