In case you have been living under a rock: We have been moving around quite a bit the past few years. We left our quiet awesome little life in Litchfield quite some time ago and the past several months...I have found myself missing it something fierce. We had an amazing church filled with loving people we knew who would be there for us whenever we needed. We had amazing friendships.....not the surface friendships...the real truth telling, be there for you in a second friendships. The friendships that weren't one sided with only one putting in the effort and work. I loved our life there and I thought I had let it all go some time ago. Turns out....I haven't.
The past several months...maybe even the past year....my own heart has taken a turn I did not see coming. You see, I have never felt more alone than I do right now. I tried for so long to brush it off. To push that lie out of my brain, and yet when we moved to Viborg, that lie started screaming in my ear.
If you have ever moved to a brand new town, you know, making friendships is hard. Add the craziness of motherhood in there, especially staying at home mothering, and it adds a new element that is even harder. They say motherhood is one of the loneliest jobs, and you know what? They aren't lying. As mothers with littles, we get so consumed by them that we neglect our friendships and connections. And then they get bigger and activities start...and then we get consumed by that schedule. As women, as humans, we need connection. It's what God designed us for. So why do we as mothers use our kids to make the excuse to ignore the need for connection. It's why the saying is true that motherhood is the loneliest job out there. And you know what? It's our fault it is that way.....
When we moved to Canton, I didn't make a whole lot of effort, to be honest , to make friends. I knew our time there was short lived.....and so I didn't even try. I missed the good, real, close by friendships...and it made my heart long for those relationships. But I just told myself, "Soon we will move to another new town. A town where we will live a long long time. So I'm good with this. I can deal. I can get by." But ya know what? Looking back now, that was mistake. Because by pushing aside those feelings, I only made it worse on my heart. Because when we finally did move, my heart was longing so much so that it felt as if it would break any second. And the reason? I kept it all inside. I have kept these emotions inside. Barely sharing them with anyone. Acting like I was fine and didn't need anyone to come along side me and say, "I'm here. It's going to be okay. We will get through this".
You see just over 7 months ago or so, our family went through something so incredibly difficult that I can't even put into words what it felt like. And ya know what? We are still walking through that storm...it's a storm we don't see the end too. It's a storm that feels different for my sister....a storm that feels different to my parents...and a storm that feels different to me. We all have our own struggles and big emotions that come with it. But I can tell you, it's affecting every single one of us, even if it is all in a different way. And because my heart has been pushing aside this feeling alone struggle....it has all now come to a head.
When we go through deep waters, we need those relationships that will speak life into our aching souls. Those connections that will see past the surface into our hearts and be there for us. And when our hearts feel alone, and then the storm comes? Oh friend, it hurts worse than it should. Yes, making real friendships is hard in general. Add mothering into it and a whole new level is reached. Add a move (or several) to it and...you get the picture....
You see in this society....real friendships are hard to come by. Real friendships that will drop everything for you and be there for you friendships. Friendships that cut past the surface answers and see instead your aching heart friendships. We live in a society that lives our life on social media and we forget so easily that beyond the cute fancy pictures of kids and vacations and fun quotes...there are real faces that are hiding their breaking hearts. Social media can be great...but it has made us one of the loneliest generations... We also live in a society where we get so consumed by our own little lives that we say we are just too busy to reach out to those around us. We are too busy with the kids...we are too busy with our jobs...we are too busy with our own struggles....we are too busy with ministries...we are just too. busy. And while we are so busy with everything else, there are hearts needing some encouragement. There are hearts who are needing to be noticed and seen. I know I've failed at this. I know that there have been times I've failed at being the best of friend to people right when they needed it. But I feel like that lie that we are too busy to be there for people is massively hurting ourselves.....
I recently read a book that has challenged me to be the kind of friend that I want to have. To step outside of my own box and create relationships I am longing for. And the past month, I have taken risks and put myself out there more than I ever have to make those friendships here. We have only been here 2 months so I know there is still lots of work left to be done. (Because that's what friendship is. Lots and lots of hard work, inconveniencing yourself in order to make connections that will make sure no one feels alone in this life) And yet, life has happened in our family once again.....real, raw, hard life that hurts in so many different ways. And there is Satan, just sitting there, screaming in my face how alone I am. How I have no real friendships. How we will never make those life giving connections here. And as much as it hurts, I'm trying my darnest to dig my heels into the ground and say "NO! Back of devil...you don't belong here to feed me those lies"
Friend, if you are reading this and feeling alone...I want you to know that you aren't. I want you to know that there are women out there who feel just as alone. Women that feel like good friendships don't happen anymore. Women that wonder when they will ever have those close connections again. There are other women out there who are walking through storms and feeling like no one cares. There are women out there waiting to be invited first. There are women out there who don't want to keep being the first to send that text to that person. You are not alone in feeling this way. You are not alone in wondering what to do next. You are not alone in feeling alone. You are NOT. ALONE. I can't promise you it will get easier, I'm still walking through my own season of feeling alone. But I can promise you that you are never truly alone. There is always someone out there in this great big world struggling with those same feelings. There is always a woman out there craving connection just as much as you. And besides all that, there is a God who will never unfriend you. One that will continue to walk beside you and try His hardest to get you to hear His truth over the noise. One that when we call out to Him to silence those lies, will give you the strength to look that devil in the face and say: "NOT TODAY"
Keep trying. Keep putting yourself out there. Keep showing up for the people you do have in your life. Keep reaching out even when it feels too hard. I'm not going to let those lies win....I'm not going to let all my insecurities get the best of me. There are gonna be days when it is ridiculously hard....but I know God made me to connect with people in a real, raw, tangible way. I know that He made us for connection. So I'm not going to buy into the lie that I'm ever too busy or have too many of my own struggles. And I'm not going to buy the lie that I'm alone. I might feel alone and that feeling might not go away for awhile....but I'm going to keep fighting even if it breaks me....
