THE PACT

I remember it like it was yesterday.  Maci was just learning to roll over.  She was still just a little babe and I was still a new mommy.  Still learning the ropes of this whole motherhood thing.  As I was getting her dressed and ready for the day, I had her laying on the couch.  Of course I was sitting right there with her...watching her...talking to her....I had to turn my back for literally a second to grab a pair of pants to put on her that were behind me.  And then...it happened.  The little angel rolled over and fell off the couch onto the hardwood floor.  I remember her screams.  I remember quickly picking her up trying to calm her down as I sobbed along with her.  I remember anxiously dialing my moms number as I cried into the phone telling her what an awful mom I was turning out to be.  How I had failed her.  I was supposed to be keeping her safe and yet here I was barely 4 or 5 months in and I had let her get hurt.  Because of my mistake she was screaming.  Because of my mistake she was going to be left with a bump on her head.  I sobbed into that phone telling my mom how worried I was....that she was falling asleep and I was left with all the nightmares of what might be wrong with her.  What if she had a concussion?!? What if she had a brain bleed? You know...all those normal, rational thoughts a new mom has because her baby is hurt...

My mom calmed me down and continued to reassure me that Maci was probably just fine.  She reminded me that it was her normal nap time anyway.  That all those fears that were playing in my mind were just that....fears.  They weren't true.  She reassured me that, even though I felt like the worst mother in the world at that moment, that I wasn't.  That every mom has that story of the time they failed their kids.  That every mom has that story of when they turned their backs for a second and something happened that could have been prevented.  Because you know what friends? No parent is perfect.  Not a single one of us.  We get up every morning and try our best, and yet there will be those days where our best isn't good enough.  Where our best will seem like failure.  Where our best will be screaming in our face of how we failed them that day.  And yet the next morning we wake up to those angelic faces and they still love us with everything they've got.  They don't see how we've failed.  They don't see how we let them down.  All they see is the best mommy or daddy in the world for them.  All they see is how hard we have tried to protect them.

We are human.  We are flawed.  We get distracted.  We choose to put our attention on something else instead of our kids for a moment...sometimes at the wrong moment.  But that doesn't mean we suck at this parenting thing.  That doesn't mean we don't deserve to be parents.  That doesn't mean we are the worst parent in the entire world.  That doesn't mean our kids will love us any less.

That day in our living room was the first day I ever learned first hand that in a second things can happen to our kids.  That if we aren't watching them every single second of every single day that they have the risk of getting hurt.  But friends, let me admit to you right now that that doesn't mean I haven't messed up since then.  My kids are clumsy and our youngest is a dare devil and loves to push boundaries.  They are ridiculously fast and if they want to do something, they rush as fast as they can to get to whatever that is.  And besides those facts the truth is so simple.  We can't and will never be able to watch them every single second of every single day.  As much as we want to say that we do and can: WE CAN'T.

So friends, fellow parents...can I just be real and honest with you? Can we all make a pact right now? To instead of judging each other...instead of trying to always prove we are better parents than anyone else....instead of going on social media completely saying hurtful, awful, mean spirited things to parents we don't. even. know. (you ALL know what I'm talking about....It's all over Facebook right now and my heart is BROKEN for that family. 99.9% of us weren't there...we don't know what EVEN happened! The things I'm seeing people say and post.....if that were me.....I would be thanking God my son was safe, but I would be so broken.  I clearly would have felt guilty already because of my mistake, but man.......add on top of that the shame the world is putting on me....we need to pray for this mother....we need to pray that Jesus helps heal her heart.  Because of the world's judgments...it would be so easy for her to slip into a black hole....) So instead of all that, can we all make a pact right now to admit we aren't perfect parents? To admit that even though we want to think we are....we aren't.  To make a pact to stop with the judging.  To make a pact to stop all the negative.  To make a pact to band together and encourage one another.  To make a pact to help all the other parents out there see that we all make mistakes.  That we are trying the best we can.  To make a pact to lift each other up instead of tear one another down.  Especially...ESPECIALLY  when we don't know them personally and we don't know the full story.  Parenting is hard. Can I get an amen??  By far one of the hardest things we will do.  Let's not make it even harder for all the other parents out there trying their best.  Let's first put ourselves in their shoes.  Like for real in their shoes and not just thinking with perfect thoughts in their shoes.  Let's all make a pact to stop with the elusion of the perfection of parenting and instead get real about our parenting.  Admit we have all made mistakes.  Because when we are raw and honest about that, we open the door to helping someone who needs that reminder.  We open the door to an honesty the world needs more of.....

In seconds your kids can get hurt.....it's a reminder we can be told of over and over and over again.  And while we always need to be diligent in watching for them and caring for them.....this is also your reminder that we will make mistakes....we will mess up.  Accidents will continue to happen no matter how much you watch them...hopefully never as monumental as a toddler getting into a gorilla exhibit, but even then....it doesn't mean you are sucking at this parenting thing.  It doesn't mean you are the worse mother or father in the world.  What it means is you are human.  You are a normal parent....don't let guilt take over and make you think you are less than you are.  If you are loving your kids and doing the best you can.....you are the best parent they could ever ask for.....Rest in that truth mommies and daddies everywhere... You have a whole community of perfectly imperfect parents everywhere.  We just all have to be willing to admit it to ourselves......

Calming the Storms

We knew storms were coming.  It was just a matter of when it would hit and how severe it would be.  As we shut off the lights to head to bed, I saw the lightning in the distance, knowing it wouldn't be long now.  As we laid there in the dark, I heard the rain start to fall gently outside, not long after it started sounding like pellets on our window.  When I was little, storms freaked me out.  There were many nights during storm season that you would find me in bed with my parents.  There was just such a comfort there.  I knew I was safe no matter what happened outside.  Pretty soon our bedroom started looking more and more like a disco party.  There was barely a break in each flash of lightning.  Our girls were sleeping soundly upstairs and with their fans going, I knew they wouldn't hear the gentle rumblings or see the intense flashes.  But of course it wasn't long before a loud crash of thunder clapped.  I laid there staring up at the ceiling, waiting for it.  I knew it was only a matter of time before I heard footsteps down the hall, a sobbing 4 year old, and then......"Daddy....Mommy!!!" Yep there it was.

We both sat up to try and hear her fear through the hysterically sobbing.  The phrase "What" had to be said by us a few times before we finally understood her.  "I don't like the lights!! I don't like the lights!!!!"  I knew she must have been woken by that loud clap, and even though it was only once, as she tried to fall back asleep.....well the fear of those intense flashes dancing outside her window just wouldn't let her....

We could have consoled her and told her she was fine.  We could have brought her back to bed right away and explained that they were just lights and wouldn't hurt her.  And yet, I remembered what that fear felt like.  I remembered not being able to get rid of it and sleep in my bed alone at her age.  So we pulled back our covers and I said, "Come lay between us until it's over.  You can sleep with us and when it's all over Daddy will bring you back up to your bed."  The tears subsided and she quickly jumped between us.  The lights continued to dance outside but yet our little angel was quickly falling back asleep.  The crying had stopped and she cuddled up next to me and her breathing calmed.  As soon as she was between us she knew she was safe.  She knew we wouldn't let anything harm her.  She knew there was no reason to be afraid anymore.

As I laid there staring at the ceiling, I thought back to all the storms in our own lives.  All the times I had been fearful.  All the times I had been angry.  All the times I sat in my car, or kitchen, or bedroom crying hysterically asking God to make it all stop.  Asking Him why.  I thought of all the times the storms waged on and I poured my heart into hearing His word and His voice.  Anxiously sitting in His presence waiting for His voice to calm my fearful soul.   I couldn't stop the storm outside yet as I felt the breath of our sleeping babe, it made me smile.  Our kiddos know that Mommy and Daddy will always be there to keep them safe.  They know they can trust us.  They know we love them immensely and will never sit back and allow bad things to happen to them.  We will be there to protect them as much as we can.  And when we can't, they know we will be there to comfort them and dry their tears.  And if we love them that much, and they know we love them that much, the love Jesus has for us is all the more intense.  He is always laying there waiting for us to run to Him to calm our fears. To dry our tears and say "It's all gonna be okay.  I'm right here, you don't have to be scared.  I will carry you.  You are safe with Me." He won't always stop the storms outside, but He can calm the storms in our hearts.   It's an intense love He has for us.  One that we can visibly get a glimpse of everyday because of the love we have for our children.  But it's only a glimpse...because friend.....He loves us so much more than that....you are safe in His arms.  You are loved in His arms....Run to Him and let Him calm the storms in your souls.....