A few months ago while at the check out counter at Target I noticed this little dandy of an image:
Notice that lovely title: How I got thin fast..... I stared at it for awhile kinda laughed inside and then got really sad. It made me think back to the past summer and how awful I felt about myself for not losing the baby weight from Maci fast. It made me think about all the beautiful women out there who are reading it and thinking that that's how it is supposed to be. That once you have a baby you should be able to just work off that weight in a hurry. The reality is folks, that's not how it works nor how it should be. Whether you just had a baby or just aren't as thin as you used to be, the weight took time to gain. As much as you think it did, you did not just wake up one morning 10, 20 or 30 lbs heavier than you once were. If it took time to gain the weight it will take time to come off plain and simple. I didn't fully understand or even want to believe that until this past spring/summer.
As a teenager I don't feel I ever had this huge hang up about my weight. I wasn't the skinniest girl in school but I certainly wasn't the biggest either. I would say I was pretty much average. My mother helped me in so many ways she doesn't even know. Eating healthy was always her goal, eating the right portions, and she's makes sure to get adequate exercise. I never saw my mother stand in front of the mirror and call herself fat. I never saw her refuse a bite of a brownie for fear of the calories. I know for a fact behind close doors she probably had those little insecurities like every other woman does but I thank her so much for never showing that side to her. I 100% give credit to her for not having severe weight fears most of my life. I had things I wanted changed about myself here and there but nothing that made me go on crazy diets. That is until I had a baby...
The first 3 months of my pregnancy were the hardest healthwise. I lost a total of 20 lbs in those months but by all means it was not healthy. I couldn't keep anything down and even though I got lots of 'you look great' it didn't make me feel good about how I looked. For goodness sakes all I could eat was crackers! Not the funnest part of being able to 'eat for two'. In the next 6 months I gained 40-45 lbs. More like 60 lbs if you include what I gained back from being so sick. That's a lot of weight for a girl to gain but I didn't think twice about it because I was gonna have a little girl.
Once I had Maci I didn't step on the scale until I had to at the doctors. I didn't want to know what it was because frankly, I didn't want to worry about it. I just had the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen and that's all I wanted to focus on. 2 weeks after I had her I squeezed my big old butt into my 'skinny jeans'. Yea they fit but they were not comfortable in the least. But yes I wanted to be able to tell my girlfriends at 2 weeks post baby I fit into them. Looking back that was a very stupid reason for wanting to fit into them but hey I'm human.
3/4 months after I had Maci was when I hit my lowest. I was breastfeeding and I truly believe my body hangs onto the weight while doing it. It's not a weight-loss plan for me. I was at my parents and they were having some friends over to meet their new granddaughter. Holding Maci I walked into the kitchen to see what everyone was talking about. An old friend of my parents came up to me and said, "My you have put on weight!" Not even thinking for a second he could possibly talking to me I said, "Who me? Or Maci?" His response: "Well you of course!" The rest of it all goes downhill from there. I try to tell him I just had a baby, he asks how old she is.... I say almost 4 months....He says then I didn't just have her...ect. Probably the most painful emotional experience I've been through in a very long time. In all my 24 years of being on this earth I had never felt bad about myself. I never saw myself as this fat overweight person. I never had someone say such a hurtful thing to my face. Instead of standing strong and proud, I gave into the doubt the Devil placed into my mind and let those thoughts stay there. Not only that night did I change into a bulky tummy hiding shirt, but I gave into the temptation of looking into the mirror and seeing ugly.
For most of the summer I hated my body. Hated every detail about it. Felt like the fattest girl ever. Tried to work out and got frustrated when it didn't work out. Got sucked into all the conversations women have of what they hate about themselves. I felt awful. I know my hubby got so sick of me saying how gross I was. Trust me he told me. And then one bright and shiny day God spoke to me as I was rocking Maci. And this is pretty much what He showed me:
(Just saw this image on Pinterest today, which gave me the courage to write)
I saw Maci growing up watching every move her momma makes. Watching her momma hate the skin she is in. Watching her mama criticize every detail God created on her. Watch her momma have some pretty dang low self worth. It. Broke. My. Heart. I don't want that for my baby girl. Whether I'm overweight or not doesn't matter. What matters is what SHE thinks of herself and if she watches me act like this? Lord what am I doing to her.
I tell you what ladies and gentlemen, that's some pretty intense powerful stuff He laid out in front of me. Is it hard to look inside yourself and see all that? Of course. No one wants to think they are setting their kids up for failure. But if we aren't acting, thinking, doing all we want them to do...then how in the world are they going to grow up to have some awesome self confidence. How are they going to think good about themselves. If they see momma not loving her body, how is that little angel gonna be able to feel good about her own?
God created us in His image and He thinks we are beautiful no matter what we look like. He doesn't care if society sees us as overweight, underweight or perfect. What matters is how He sees us. So mamas who just had those beautiful babies, it's ok to still have baby weight. It's ok if it takes you awhile to lose it, or if you don't. Ladies and gentlemen who think they are overweight, it's ok to take your time to get where you want to be. Be healthy. As long as you are healthy and feel good about yourself that's all that matters. You are perfect in God's sight so forget the rest of the world. It's not easy but once you let your insecurities go about how you look you will feel amazing. God will help take that burden off of you and you. will. be. free.
After about 10/11 months I got to my pre-baby weight. Did it feel good of course. Am I back to my size 6 that I was when I got married? Heck no. But that's ok because in God's eyes I'm beautiful. I'm ok in my own skin now and it feels amazing. If anyone were to call me fat now, I'm 90% sure I could look at them and tell them I don't think so. I'm right where I'm supposed to be. :)
"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you"
Song of Solomon 4:7
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